ABreast In the World

National Metastatic Breast Cancer Day

2011-10-13T12:50:00.004-04:00

From the Metastatic Breast Cancer Network

13 Facts Everyone Should Know about Metastatic Breast Cancer

(click HERE to download a flyer you can print and distribute)

1. No one dies from breast cancer that remains in the breast. The lump itself is not what kills. The metastasis of cancerous cells to a vital organ is what kills.

2. Metastasis refers to the spread of cancer to different parts of the body, typically the bones, liver, lungs and brain.

3. An estimated 155,000 Americans are currently living with metastatic breast cancer. Metastatic breast cancer accounts for approximately 40,000 deaths annually in the U.S.

4. Treatment for metastatic breast cancer is lifelong and focuses on control and quality of life vs. curative intent. (“Treatable but unbeatable.”)

5. About 6% to 10% of people are Stage IV from their initial diagnosis.

6. Early detection is not a cure. Metastatic breast cancer can occur ANY time after a person’s original diagnosis, EVEN if the patient was initially Stage 0, I, II or III and DESPITE getting annual checkups and annual mammograms.

7. Between 20% to 30% of people initially diagnosed with regional stage disease WILL develop metastatic breast cancer.

8. Young people DO get metastatic breast cancer.

9. There are many different kinds of metastatic breast cancer.

10. Treatment choices for MBC are guided by hormone (ER/PR) and HER2 receptor status, location and extent of metastasis (visceral vs. nonvisceral), previous treatment and other factors.

11. Metastatic breast cancer isn’t an automatic death sentence. Although most people will ultimately die of their disease, some can live long and productive lives.

12. There are no hard and fast prognostic statistics for metastatic breast cancer. Everyone’s situation is unique, but according to the American Cancer Society, the 5 year survival rate for stage IV is around 20%.

13. October 13 is National Metastatic Breast Cancer Awareness Day. To learn more about it as well as resources specifically for people with metastatic breast cancer see www. mbcn.org. We appreciate your support on October 13 and throughout the year.

We Must Be Too Beautiful...

2011-08-31T16:06:00.001-04:00

It's been awhile since I posted on this blog, but a recent email I received prompted me to share this.

Katie Stotler underwent bilateral mastectomies in 2009 and found the garment she was given to use for her drains completely uncomfortable and not very flattering. It was this experience that led her to work with a designer friend and come up with the "perfect" camisole.

Our bodies change in so many ways after breast cancer surgery but we shouldn't have to put up with discomfort and unflattering lingerie. We have enough to be depressed about without additional assaults to our sense of self and sense of feeling good about ourselves. If you are interested in learning more about Katie or the camisoles, please click on this link for Too Beautiful. Every woman deserves to be too beautiful.

(image taken from the Too Beautiful website)

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

2010-10-02T18:18:00.001-04:00

I agreed that I would post about breast cancer today -- many people are doing so on their blogs. I haven't been blogging for a few months but this is important enough to bring me out of "retirement".

Mammograms save lives. If I hadn't had the one I did in May 2005, I likely would not be sitting here today, typing this message. Mine saved my life. And in May of this year I celebrated my 5th year clean...and I'm still counting.

Nothing could be felt with a manual exam because the tumour was too small at that stage..only 2 cms. That's my story...but monthly self exams are vital to being aware of what changes take place in your body.

Please remember to check your boobies regularly. Raise awareness and support the cause. You're worth it.

These Boots Are Made For Walking on Women's Cancers

2010-06-16T13:58:00.001-04:00

First Mammogram...Don't Sweat It

2010-05-19T11:01:00.003-04:00

This is a copy of a post I did on my journal blog, Everyday Possibilities, which was published on October 6, 2009.

First Mammogram...Don't Sweat It

I've been sharing with my friend Christina over the last few days, what to expect from that first mammogram. Quite understandably she is nervous about the experience as I believe most women are the first time they have this done. It is a procedure we have all heard about and we know that it requires a machine with plexiglass covers to squeeze our breasts to the shape of pancakes. Fear of the unknown is something we all experience in various forms throughout our lives. Aside from the nerves about how this is going to feel, there is also the anxiety around the fact that there is a possibility that something might be discovered during the mammogram. That perhaps there is cancer lurking in our bodies. It is the "thinking" about this and the projecting ahead that causes the anxiety and we can create more fear in our minds than the actual event is worth. That said, the feelings, the anxiety and the worry are all very real and not to be dismissed.

Having a mammogram and how it feels to each woman's body is as individual as we are. We've all heard "horror" stories from women who have given birth and the pain and agony they describe to those who are newly pregnant would make any woman already pregnant wish there was some way to turn back the clock! The women who feel such pain are best to keep that to themselves always remembering that we each have a different threshold for pain.

My view of life and experiences that might be less than "enjoyable" comes down to how I choose to think about them. If I think it will painful no doubt it will be. If I choose the word "uncomfortable", that makes me know it's bearable and I can tackle it...whatever "it" is. How we choose to think about things can make all the difference in any experience.

I'm partial to visualization. I like to let my mind wander to something pleasant, something that makes me feel good and while undergoing something like a mammogram I let my mind go to that place. We are told to hold our breath while the image is being taken and while doing that, true enough, my eyes are squeezed as tightly as my breast but I float in my mind and I know that this discomfort is only going to last a few seconds. And that I only have to do it four times -- 2 shots of each breast. There is always going to be someone who says, "discomfort? It was pain, I tell you, what were you thinking?? You call that discomfort?" and my reply would be "yes". There is pain and there is pain. You can choose to suffer with it or you can choose to work through it and with it. And if laughter is your way to cope, think about a man having his manhood squeezed between those plexiglass sheets while you are in there.

Tips to help you through:

1. Do not wear deodorant to your mammogram. The deodorant will cloud the image and the technician will ask you to remove it before entering the room. Save yourself the trouble and don't put any on before you go. Bring some with you so that you can apply it before you leave.

2. Once the films have been taken, the technician will ask you to sit in a waiting area while the radiologist reads the films. The technician may come back and ask you to return for a few more shots. Do Not Panic. Please. This does not necessarily mean that they have detected a problem. It may be that the pictures were unclear and the radiologist would like a better or a different view. This can happen to women whose breasts are very dense.

3. If there is a problem with your mammogram as easy as it is for me to say don't panic, remember this: 80% of lumps are actually benign cysts.

At the end of the day there are many other procedures and tests that are more invasive and uncomfortable than a mammogram. I know. I've had quite a few. This is one that takes only minutes of your time, might or might not bring tears to your eyes but those tears will dry quickly and isn't it better to have done this and lived to see many more days to have tears of joy?

Paxil Blocks Effect of Tamoxifen

2010-02-09T08:59:00.000-05:00

Paxil blocks effect of breast cancer drug

from the Toronto Star

February 9, 2010

Joseph Hall

HEALTH REPORTER

A popular antidepressant eradicates the benefits of life-saving breast cancer drug tamoxifen, a new Ontario study shows.
The study of 2,430 women taking tamoxifen showed the drug's potent cancer-fighting capacity was lost in patients using paroxetine anti-depression drugs such as Paxil.
"If someone is on tamoxifen for five years ... and they're taking paroxetine the entire time, they've effectively not been on tamoxifen," said study co-author Dr. David Juurlink, a researcher with the Institute for Clinical Evaluative Sciences.
"And what this study shows for the first time is that that translates into an increased risk of deaths because the patients are being deprived of a very important drug."
The study was published Monday in the British Medical Journal.
Conducted between 1993 and 2005 on women 66 and older, it showed that those treated with Paxil-like drugs for 40 per cent of the time they were taking tamoxifen had a significantly greater risk of dying of breast cancer within five years of diagnosis.
This combination resulted in one additional death for every 20 patients so treated, the study showed.
Juurlink said about 30 per cent of women taking tamoxifen were on antidepressants, and most of those were prescribed Paxil-like drugs.
While other antidepressants, most notably Prozac and Wellbutrin, can also interfere with tamoxifen's effectiveness, there are others that won't, Juurlink said.
"There are many other options out there that ... are almost certainly better choices for women who are receiving tamoxifen ... It's not a reason to withhold antidepressants."
Women taking Paxil with their tamoxifen should not stop the antidepressant abruptly, Juurlink said.
"There's a well-recognized withdrawal syndrome for people who stop it suddenly, so if it's going to be discontinued it needs to be tapered off over a couple of weeks," he said.
An email from Paxil maker GlaxoSmithKline Canada said the company had been aware of reported interactions between the two drugs and had posted a warning on the antidepressant's monograph.
"GSK will review these additional data and will work with regulatory authorities to determine next steps," the email said.

Managing Your Treatment

2009-09-11T17:47:00.000-04:00

Breakthrough Breast Cancer - Patient Response to Herceptin

2009-07-29T12:01:00.000-04:00

Breakthrough Breast Cancer scientists have taken a significant step towards personalising cancer treatment by developing a new method to predict a patient's response to the drug Herceptin.

Scientists based in Edinburgh are the first to use computer modelling to predict individual responses to cancer treatment. The results are published in the journal Cancer Research on 28 July 2009.

Lead scientist, pathologist Dr Dana Faratian from the Breakthrough Breast Cancer Research Unit, at the University of Edinburgh, said: "This work is a major step forward because despite Herceptin benefiting thousands of women, it does not work for some patients.

"The impact of this new approach could be huge. It shows we can use computer modelling to answer clinical questions and potentially refine the treatment of women with breast cancer."

The team devised a mathematical model to represent the interactions of 56 different molecules involved in breast cancer. The scientists identified that the amount of the protein PTEN in a cell was related to resistance to anti-HER2 therapy. This model was confirmed in breast cancer cells grown in the laboratory.

The scientists examined 122 samples of metastatic breast cancer tumours treated with Herceptin. They demonstrated that the amount of PTEN was related to overall survival and patients whose breast cancer tumours had high levels of PTEN survived on average 22 months longer than those with low levels.

Researchers now need to find ways to translate these findings on predicting a patient's response to Herceptin from the laboratory into a test that could work in the clinic.

These important results would not have been possible without the use of the amazingly powerful AQUA microscope. Costing £150,000 and one of a very small number in the UK, it allows scientists to see where and how much of a protein is in a cell.

About one in five of the nearly 46,000 cases of breast cancer in the UK are HER2 positive and those women may be offered Herceptin as part of their treatment. Herceptin has made a major impact in breast cancer treatment but clinical trials have shown that some HER2 positive breast cancer patients may not respond to Herceptin or become resistant to the drug.

These results come just a year after the Breakthrough Breast Cancer Edinburgh Research Unit was opened by Breakthrough's Patron, HRH The Prince of Wales.

Breakthrough Breast Cancer's research is funded almost entirely by voluntary donations.

About Breakthrough Breast Cancer

Breakthrough Breast Cancer is the UK's leading charity committed to fighting breast cancer through research, campaigning and education. In 1999 Breakthrough established the UK's first dedicated breast cancer research centre. The Breakthrough Toby Robins Breast Cancer Research Centre is housed in the Mary-Jean Mitchell Green building at The Institute of Cancer Research in association with the Royal Marsden Hospital. Breakthrough Breast Cancer campaigned for Herceptin to be made available on the NHS to all breast cancer patients who may benefit from it.

About the Breakthrough Breast Cancer University of Edinburgh Research Unit at the Western General Hospital

Scientists at the Breakthrough Breast Cancer Edinburgh Research Unit carry out research using human breast cancer tissue samples. They use cutting-edge technology to examine biological changes in these tumours and develop new treatments for this form of the disease. They are particularly interested in drug resistance - when a treatment stops working. They aim to find ways to overcome or avoid this problem. Ultimately, this will ensure women are treated in the most appropriate and effective way for their particular cancer, potentially benefiting thousands of women in Scotland and across the UK.

The research in this paper was funded by Breakthrough Breast Cancer with support from the BBSRC (Biotechnology and Biological Sciences Research Council).

Source
Breakthrough Breast Cancer

Breast Self Exam Video

2009-07-14T12:18:00.001-04:00

A healthy reminder on how to do your own breast self exam.

http://video.yourtotalhealth.ivillage.com/player/?id=975341

Genetic Key to Breast Cancer's Ability To Survive and Spread

2009-07-08T08:48:00.004-04:00

An interesting article from Science Daily about cell research at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and the gene product Src. We may not ever have all the answers but there is hope that scientists continue to work towards discovering the how and the why of breast cancer.

Read here.

May 4, 2005 - The Mammogram That Changed My Life

2009-06-01T07:48:00.001-04:00

This is a blog post I created on May 4, 2009 on my Everyday Possibilities blog and felt it would also be helpful to post it here.

Four years ago today I had the mammogram that changed my life. A routine mammogram as part of my overall physical. The doctor had done a thorough (and I do mean thorough) manual examination and felt nothing but as it had been two years since my last mammogram she wrote me a referral. I was blessed at my age to be having regular mammograms...they aren't "the norm" in Ontario until age 50. In my 30s I had felt a lump (turned out to be a cyst) and had it checked with a mammogram which became my baseline. The fact that my maternal grandmother had died of metastasized breast cancer factored into my continuing to be checked on a regular basis.

I had a busy day May 4, 2005 with a job interview at 11:00 a.m. but when I had called to make the appointment for the mammogram, the only time available was 8:00 a.m. that day or I would have had to wait another month. Providence? Divine intervention? I took the appointment without hesitating. Instinct maybe more than anything because I had learned many years ago to listen when that little voice in my head tells me to do something. Your body always has a way of communicating with you.

I spent the day running between appointments and when I reached home to have a cup of tea, I had just sat down when the phone rang. It was 3:00 p.m. There are some details you just never forget. It was my family doctor (actually it was a wonderful young woman who was filling in for my own doctor who was on a maternity leave) telling me there were some concerns with the mammogram and we'd need to do further exams. It appeared that there were microcalcifications on the right breast.

My stomach dropped to the floor and my hand was shaking as I replaced the receiver on the phone. And I knew. I am not a negative person. I'm not a pessimist. But I knew that those microcalcifications were cancer. Was it something in the tone of the doctor's voice? Or the urgency of re-testing and then an appointment with a surgeon? Again, I think it was everything hitting me at once and that "knowing" of me listening to my body and accepting the fact. I kept an open mind during the testing the the two biopsies. The day I met with the surgeon and was told that indeed I did have breast cancer...IDC (Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma) I was already prepared for what was ahead of me, and everyone else who was part of my world.

It is traditional to mark the anniversaries of survivorship by the date of the last treatment. For me that would be May 2007 when I had completed chemotherapy, radiation and herceptin. However I have never been one to hold completely with tradition. The anniversary I follow is the day I had the mammogram. That was the beginning of my survivorship.

It changed my life in so many ways. Oh yes, cancer is a tenacious, aggressive beast. Once it "marks" you it haunts you for the rest of your life. But there is so much more to life than just having to deal with cancer which I always spell with a small "c". I would never give it a capital - would give it much too much importance. It deserves no respect.

And yet. Through all of the tests and treatments, with all that I put my body through both physically, psychologically and emotionally I don't dwell on the negative aspects. I still say to this day that it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I rediscovered my faith, I realized that I have always been a spiritual person and my spirit grew and expanded as I allowed myself to live within it. I was reminded daily of the important values in life and I rediscovered joy and beauty. I learned to live each day just as it is, for all that is and all that it can be.

I give thanks every single day for every blessing in my life. And every May 4th I will continue to celebrate the mammogram that saved my life in every.single.way.

New Balance - Running on Hope

2009-04-30T10:47:00.002-04:00

An email I received today which may be of interest to others.

My name is Elisa Garcia-Rey and I work with New Balance on their breast cancer awareness campaigns. I wanted to share a description of our current campaign in the hopes that you might find it relevant to yourself and your loyal readers. New Balance is currently celebrating their 20-year partnership with Susan G. Komen for the Cure with a special documentary that will feature the real life story of a participant in the Komen Race for the Cure. To select the featured runner/survivor, we are asking for people to share their story with us as part of our "Running on Hope" contest. The person who is selected will be invited to Washington, D.C. for the Global Race for the Cure® on June 6, 2009 where they will be featured in New Balance's documentary about our history of supporting the cause. Entrants can share what running in the Race for the Cure® means to them in a 1-minute video that they can upload at

www.newblance.com/runningonhope.

One winner will be chosen from among these entries. We hope that this contest will allow people the chance to inspire others in the same way that they inspire us, and that you’ll be able to share this with others in your extended community. Thanks so much for your time and consideration.

Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Life Web Ring

2008-03-06T14:20:00.004-05:00

I was reading Cathy Bueti's blog (find the link on my sidebar) and she was talking about Kris Carr's new web ring, Crazy Sexy Life...a spin off from her Crazy Sexy Cancer.

This is open to anyone who has had cancer and would like to connect with others. There is no cost to join. The site includes forums, groups and discussions. You set up your own page within the site where you can blog and share your journey with others who will "get" you as only other survivors can.

Definitely worth checking out!

Become a Pink Artist

2008-01-30T12:18:00.000-05:00

If you are artistically inclined, and even if you are not, this is a very inspiring project undertaken by Monica Magness of Girl Gone Thread Wild. I posted this the other day on my Esprit * d'Art blog, but want it seen here on my breast cancer blog.

My latest project will be taking part in the Pink Artist initiative that Monica at Girl Gone Thread Wild has created.

I know that many of you are participating in this wonderful charity event, and as a breast cancer survivor I am absolutely thrilled that Monica has undertaken this. More than that, I simply must participate. I wish I had realized what this was all about sooner, or I'd have been spreading the word sooner.

If you are an artist and have not already committed to this project, I urge you to check out Monica's site and sign up to participate in this wonderful event.

To quote Monica:

"the pink artist"
is a community of artists joining together
to create one joint art doll to benefit Susan G. Komen for the Cure.
When doll is complete, it will be mailed in to Art Doll Quarterly™
before finally being auctioned off on eBay at a later date.

ALL PROCEEDS WILL DIRECTLY BENEFIT CHARITY.

Spread the word!
If you are a quilter, mixed-media artist, polymer clay artist,
painter, doodler, felting guru, pastel artist, doll artist, beader, collage artist,
abstract artist,stitching queen, yarn goddess, paper artist, rubber stamper,
photographer, digital junky, rusted ART connoisseur, crayon/marker
enthusiast, journal-ER, poet... you get the idea,
We need YOUR participation!

Create:
one 2x2 inch square with a cloth base using your chosen medium
in ANY way you feel inspired to do so for this project

Schick Quattro Booby Wall

2008-01-16T12:17:00.001-05:00

While I am not posting here on a regular basis as I have said, I do want to mention the Schick Quattro Booby Wall. Back in November 2007 I posted about this "Wall", having bared all for a photograph to be put on the wall. The wall wasn't being posted on line until January. I had completely forgotten about this until receiving an email from my cousin Heather today, saying that she had "seen" me on the wall. And yes, it's up and running and yes, I'm there (near the end).

I am so pleased to see the number of women who are prepared to post themselves on this wall in support of breast cancer screening and awareness. What I would like to have seen (and hope to) is more women of colour participating in this. Breast cancer affects women of colour in a way that it does not caucasian women and the awareness needs to be stressed. That said, I think from having spoken with a survivor of colour the day I did this photo, she was not comfortable sharing her story with the world. And this may be a cultural difference in upbringing and philosophy.

Regardless, please check out the BoobyWall and if you are so inclinced, post your photo on the site.

For those who are still interested in hearing my voice as I continue my journey through life, I can be found at

Everyday Possibilities

The Middle Place

2008-01-13T11:24:00.001-05:00

Although I have moved on from daily discussing breast cancer and what it means in the world, I do wish to share this.

And as uncanny as this is, I was preparing my thoughts to do this when I read my friend Beth's blog today and we are discussing the same subject, or rather, the same book.

A few weeks ago I was sent a complimentary copy of a book written by Kelly Corrigan. It is a memoir entitled "The Middle Place".

Perhaps from the cover of this book I was already in the "I don't think so" corner. It says:

The Middle Place is about calling home. Instinctively. Even when all the paperwork--a marriage license, a notarized deed, two birth certificates, and seven years of tax returns--clearly indicates you're an adult, but all the same, there you are, clutching the phone and thanking God that you're still somebody's daughter.

As a breast cancer thriver, I love to read books about the journey. I want to know how others coped, what they experienced, what they discovered.

I've had this book for over 2 weeks and I'm only at Chapter 20 and last night while reading 2 pages decided I can't even finish it.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the writing or the memoir. The writing is easy to read but this woman's story is not my story and therefore I cannot relate. I'm definitely not enjoying it.

What it has made me feel is lost. I envy people who experience cancer who have parents they can run home to for reinforcement, for strength, for protection of their love. I had no parents, no siblings. I had the love of my family -- husband, children. I had friends and acquaintances I barely knew who came out of the woodwork with love...who became more to me than what family might have been.

If I say my feelings about the author were those of a spoiled young woman (even from the stories she told of her past and her youth), that stood out for me more than the lessons of strength that she learned from her father.

I think we all have strength. We are born to be strong. It is the challenges of our lives that show us how strong we are and how our strength intensifies and carries us through these challenges.

This is as always my opinion.

Hope With Genetic Research In the Spread of Breast Cancer

2008-01-12T13:21:00.001-05:00

Scientists find key factor in breast cancer spread

Jan 09, 2008 05:17 PM
Julie Steenhuysen
Reuters

CHICAGO – By restoring tiny bits of genetic material missing from breast tumours in mice, U.S. researchers said today they were able to block the cancer's ability to spread.

The finding will help doctors make better treatment decisions and may give rise to a new way of halting the advance of breast cancer, said Dr. Sohail Tavazoie, an oncologist at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in New York.

"What's most important to us as cancer doctors is the concern that the cancer is going to come back," said Tavazoie, whose study appears in the journal Nature.

Tavazoie said the research will give doctors a better way to determine if a particular breast cancer tumour will spread and also add to the list of possible targets that could be used to make drugs that block genes that make cancers spread.

And down the road, it may lead to new therapies that restore the missing molecules that keep cancer tumours in check.

Cancer spreads when bits the primary tumour break off and attack other organs. This process, known as metastasis, is what makes cancer so deadly.

Tavazoie, working in the lab of Joan Massague, a Howard Hughes Medical Institute researcher, set out to isolate the process that causes aggressive tumours to spread.

They found bits of genetic material called ribonucleic acid or RNA that suppress the spread of breast cancer to the lungs and bone. When they put those molecules back into breast cancer tumours in mice, the tumours lost their ability to spread.

Tavazoie said these small pieces of RNA known as microRNAs work by directing the activity of genes, much like the conductor of an orchestra.

They found that in certain aggressive cancers, some of these microRNAs are missing, allowing the aggressive spread of the cancer. When they restored these microRNAs to human breast cancers in laboratory mice, the cancer stopped spreading.

The researchers also found these same microRNAs were missing from human breast cancer cells taken from women whose tumours had spread.

"We think these microRNAs will help us to know if this is an aggressive tumour or not," Tavazoie said in a telephone interview.

"If it is, we will need to treat this woman with very aggressive therapy and we will need to be diligent about watching it," he said, adding that it may help doctors decide whether some women with less aggressive tumours can skip chemotherapy.

Tavazoie's team also looked to see which genes were causing all of the trouble when the microRNAs went missing. They found an especially strong association between the loss of miR-335 and cancer relapse. When this microRNA was absent, they found strong activity in a set of six genes.

Two of the genes, SOX4 and TNC, were already known to play a role in cell migration. When the researchers suppressed the activity of these genes, they reduced the cancer's ability to spread.

Changing and Knowing You're Ready

2008-01-03T23:29:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading Elaine Ratner's "The Feisty Woman's Breast Cancer Book"...I had started it a while ago and put it down, only to finish it this evening.

Everything happens in it's time, when you are ready. While there were some opinions expressed in this book that I didn't agree with, or weren't my personal philosophy, overall I admired Elaine's approach to her cancer and to her life and how she has presented her journey. It is worth reading.

What settled within me tonight was that I am ready to move beyond my own breast cancer. I've been feeling this hovering over me for a little while, so reading this book and the chapter devoted to "When Your Breast Cancer Crisis Is Over, Move On", I knew the point that I had reached.

I started this blog in order to discuss separate issues about breast cancer, and living life after breast cancer. I needed that clarity in my own thinking and my own approach to journaling.

I know that I have reached the point in my own journey where breast cancer is only one aspect of my life and I truly have reached the "moving beyond" stage. I've been working through that stage now for over a year, but I know I have really been able to see the future, that cancer has been something that happened to me and is fading in the distance. It feels good. It feels right.

I will keep this blog open but I will continue to channel my thoughts into Sage and Thyme, Esprit * d'Art and my new venture of journal writing and photography at The Journals of the Meandering Muse. I'll also be spending more time on my creative writing and my visual art. I'm no longer looking behind...I'm only looking forward.

I'm sure that the subject of breast cancer will come up from time to time. It's bound to. I will never ignore it or turn my back on it. I will continue to be open about the experience and share my knowledge and my philosophy. I will continue to speak out, but it will not be my focus.

There is a sense of discovery and joy in knowing that a mountain has been scaled and that I have emerged on the other side filled with optimism and open arms to the future.

Taking Life By the Lapel

2008-01-02T06:50:00.001-05:00

I was reading Sandy Carlson's blog, "Writing In Faith" this morning and loving every word I was reading. She has this lovely Maya Angelou quote on her side bar ~

Life loves to be taken by the lapel and told, 'I'm with you kid. Let's go.'

You Are Strong

2008-01-01T14:09:00.001-05:00

I found this while browsing on the internet the other day...no credit listed for the author, or where it was posted...I wanted to share it because I feel it is a fitting sentiment for beginning anew...be it a new year, a new month, a new day, even a new hour.

Happy New Year

2007-12-31T08:28:00.001-05:00

Wishing you joy, love, laughter, health and many blessings each day of the coming year.

And a reminder that it's about one day at a time, resolving to live each day with hope and spirit.

A Notable Quote

2007-12-29T09:16:00.000-05:00

As this year is coming to a close, I've been thinking about what it means to be a survivor, what it means to keep going when it seems a daunting task. That's when the energy is low, when there have been weeks of hustle and hurry and social whirl. When life has been nothing but a hectic pace...hectic for me anymore is doing more than two or three things in one day and I find that I don't usually deplete the energy I do have.

Recently I was reading Rachel's blog, Obsessed with Life and she had posted this quote which I am posting here as well. Definitely one to think about. To question, what does it mean to be a survivor? What is survival? It's personal. It means one thing to me, something else to someone else. As this year comes to a close, it's an excellent time to reflect upon the wonders that were this year, the negatives I wish not to repeat and the joys and wonders of what the coming year can be. Thanks for posting this Rachel.

We are all survivors...
but the trouble with being a survivor
is that you find yourself dancing alone a lot.

It is a tricky seesaw on which the survivor has to sit.
On the one side is your ability to be comfortable
in a world inhabited only by yourself.
And on the other side is your desire
to share your time with others.
How do you balance your time?

Being a survivor is not a bad thing,
but you do run the risk of being the last one
at the party when the punch bowl is empty
and the confetti has turned to dust.

-Jimmy Buffet

from Rachel's blog Obsessed with Life

Happy Boxing Day

2007-12-26T11:54:00.001-05:00

Originally, Boxing Day - the first weekday after Christmas Day - was observed as a holiday "on which postmen, errand boys, and servants of various kinds received a Christmas box of contributions from those whom they serve". (Charles Dickens)

Boxing Day originated in England in the middle of the nineteenth century under Queen Victoria. December 26th became a holiday as boxes were filled with gifts and money for servants and tradespeople.

Also, poor people carried empty boxes from door to door, and the boxes were soon filled with food, Christmas sweets, and money. Parents gave their children small gifts such as, oranges, handkerchiefs, and socks. People also placed old clothing that they didn't need anymore in boxes, and they were given to those in need.

Today, Boxing Day is a holiday in the United Kingdom, Canada, and many other Commonwealth nations. It is spent with family and friends at open gatherings with lots of food, fun, and the sharing of friendship and love.

While government buildings and small businesses are closed, the malls are filled with people either exchanging gifts or buying reduced priced Christmas gifts, cards, and decorations.

Throughout the Christmas season, many organizations follow the original tradition of Boxing Day by donating their time, energy, and money to fill the Food Bank, provide gifts for children who live in poverty, or to help an individual family who is in great need at the time.

SOURCE: C. Webber.

Merry Christmas a la Mr. Bean

2007-12-25T10:36:00.000-05:00

Change

2007-12-21T02:00:00.000-05:00

A Holiday From Cancer

2007-12-17T08:26:00.000-05:00

Cancer doesn't take a holiday. But there are times when we need to take a holiday from cancer.

To finish out 2007, I will post a life affirming photograph each day, something that just speaks to me of life and what it means to be here, to cherish and value every day.

Quotes of Life

2007-12-16T09:05:00.000-05:00

This quote, one of so many I have collected over the years, rings with such truth about what life is, not just life after crisis.

"You start out with one thing, end up with another, and nothing is like it used to be, not even the future"

Rita Dove

Breakthrough

2007-12-14T22:54:00.000-05:00

Sometimes in our lives
we reach rock bottom

We experience what we call HELL

For each of us it’s dressed up differently
but for all of us it is dark, tough and devastating

This HELL can be our awakening

Some people call it a breakdown

I believe it is a breakthrough

From “The Pocket Guide To Your Heart"

Sentinel Node Biopsy

2007-12-13T10:29:00.000-05:00

I had been talking about sentinel node biopsy on Deena's post-surgery blog comments. In doing so, I realized that this is an area that is confusing to many...both breast cancer patients and to those who are supporting them. For those who are not personally involved with breast cancer this is foreign terminology and for those who are diagnosed with breast cancer it can be quite daunting. The second that we hear "lymph node" involvement, our stomachs plummet to our feet and we expect the very worst. This need not be the case and hope continues to be one of the most important elements of cancer diagnosis and care. I will attempt to shed some light on this in very simplistic terms.

When surgery for breast cancer is performed, either a lumpectomy or a mastectomy, the lymph nodes are always checked. They must be as the lymphatic system is the gateway to the rest of the body. In the not too distant past, axillary dissection surgery would have been performed in order to check and analyze the lymph nodes for involvement.

A new procedure, called a sentinel node biopsy, can eliminate the need for an axillary dissection (where all or as many as possible, of the lymph nodes are removed). The sentinel nodes are the first 4-5 nodes in the underarm. As the word sentinel indicates, they are the "gate keepers" of the lymphatic system. Anything that will travel throughout the rest of the body must pass these nodes first.

Prior to surgery, a radioactive isotope is injected into the breast through the nipple. As painful as this might sound, it is relatively painless. This dye attaches itself to the sentinel nodes and during surgery, the surgeon is able to identify the ones he or she needs to remove. In some cases the nodes are attached to one another, indicating that cancer cells are present. These nodes are always sent to the lab for analysis and pathology to be conclusive.

If there are traces of cancer cells on these sentinel nodes, a full axillary dissection will be performed at a later date, giving the patient time to heal from the first surgery. In this procedures, as much lymphatic tissue as possible is scooped out. Lymph nodes cannot be seen with the naked eye (which is why the radioactive dye is used in the sentinel node procedure), therefore it is up to the surgeon to scoop as much tissue as possible. These nodes are then sent to pathology to be analyzed.

When lymph nodes have been affected with cancer cells it dictates the treatment procedure which will include neo-adjuvant chemotherapy as well as radiation. Both of these treatments do not attack the original cancer which has been removed during surgery. They are complimentary treatments aimed at any cancer cells that may have "escaped" the net and still be present in the body.

Lymph node involvement need not be the end of hope. Scans are performed when traces are discovered that have left the original tumour...to check bones and the liver which are two of the first places that stray breast cancer cells will attach themselves to. All of this, as well as the size of the tumour will determine the staging of the cancer (I, II, III or IV). If cancer cells are present in any other organ or part of the body from the original tumour this is then determined to be metastatic breast cancer which is a subject that should be best dealt with separately from this. The tumour itself is checked for hormone receptivity and to determine if the her2 neu gene is present. Surgery is but the first step.

For further reading and information, please read here.

Things to Remember

2007-12-12T14:03:00.000-05:00

I love these 24 Things to Remember ~

24 Things To Remember

Your presence is a present to the world.

You're unique and one of a kind.

Your life can be what you want it to be.

Take the days just one at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles.

You'll make it through whatever comes along.

Within you are so many answers.

Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don't put limits on yourself.

So many dreams are waiting to be realized.

Decisions are too important to leave to chance.

Reach for your peak, your goal, your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying.

The longer one carries a problem, the heavier it gets.

Don't take things too seriously.

Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way…

Remember that a lot…goes forever.

Remember that friendship is a wise investment.

Life's treasures are people…together.

Realize that it's never too late.

Do ordinary things in an extraordinary way.

Have health and hope and happiness.

Take time to wish upon a star.

And don't ever forget…for even a day…

How very special you are...

Collin McCarty

What Are You Feeling?

2007-12-11T10:57:00.001-05:00

One day last week Carolyn, at Magpie-Pixie, posted a wonderful message about "others" during a time of crisis and stress. Specifically those who are involved with someone who is either being diagnosed, undergoing treatment or facing end of life with cancer. Carolyn had viewed a programme on TV that dealt with this and as she herself is experiencing life with cancer as a sibling, her attention was riveted. Reading Carolyn's thoughts and her comment that perhaps this was an issue I might wish to address, I've been thinking of nothing but this ever since. I wanted time to savour this, to delve into it and do this subject the justice it so richly deserves.

Life does revolve around the cancer patient. It must. Being diagnosed with a disease that is quite often terminal requires a great deal of concentration and focus. It is the one time in life when as I said to so many, it "does get to be about me"...but take that in context. I have been (as are many cancer survivors) the caregiver in life. I have been the one who has done for others, sometimes to the detriment of myself. I don't bemoan that or regret that. It is the type of person I am. Still. However, the message quickly becomes clear...we can only focus on our health and well being at some of the most critical points in this journey. That means allowing others to do for us. Allowing others to worry about some of the everyday things we worry about all the time..leave it to others. Let others be a blessing. This is all very important.

I never lost sight of everyone else. There were times when friends would call and they would be having a bad day or something would be happening in their life and they just wanted to talk, to share. But they were hesitant to do so. I had enough on my plate they felt and my crisis was far more serious than theirs. Perhaps. But I still had ears and I still cared and I could still listen and oh the joy of being able to listen to someone else and not have to think about "me". This cancer business is really a double edged sword!! I still cared about my children, about their school activities, about their interests, about their worries, fears, joys. I still attended school functions and sports activities. I still managed my youngest son's hockey team and didn't miss a game or a practice. I stayed involved with life.

One afternoon during a chemo session, I was talking with some of the other patients. The room is narrow and crowded with recliners for the patients, with little stools for the visitors/caregivers. I always thought this was wrong. Why did only "we" have the special comfortable chairs? Some of my treatments took hours...and the idea of someone coming with me and sitting on a stool that length of time? Not on! I was always grateful for the ride and then I would send my husband home so he could do something for himself. Others chose to stay with their family member or friend. In some cases language was an issue so a family member would stay to translate for an elderly parent. On this particular afternoon we were laughing and talking about life without hair. A young woman who was sitting with her father laughed along with us and then made the comment to me, "I'm sorry, I'm eavesdropping but what you said was so funny I couldn't help myself." I was shocked and told her so. My heart just went out to this woman. As I reminded her, this was her journey too. This was her father going through cancer treatment, this was time out of her day spent sitting with him and all of this was taking a toll on her of a different kind. I reminded her that she was not eavesdropping and that any conversation that took place in the chemo lounge was for all and I hoped she would always feel comfortable enough to join in...which she did and we always had a chat on subsequent visits. It hit me then...there is not enough inclusion for those affected by cancer who are on the rim.

Cancer (or any other illness/disease) is like a bicycle wheel. The patient is at the centre but every spoke that feeds into that circle is affected by the centre and the wheel doesn't turn without the spokes.

Too often spouses, children, friends, parents are not asked how they are doing. How this is affecting them. What can be done to help ease their emotional and psychological stress level as they are walking this path. There is a powerlessness and a sense of helplessness that is felt. The patient has doctors, nurses, technicians...everyone at the ready and with personal one-on-one interaction. Everyone else? Out in left field. Counselling is offered through every medical centre, however, the resources are not enough to meet the needs and the special demands that being involved and affected with cancer bring.

A year after my treatment ended I attended a conference/workshop about "moving beyond". One of the workshops was for caregivers of the breast cancer survivor. I enrolled for this and took my husband. We were at a point where "the worst" was over, yet I still wanted him to hear and to know that others are not forgotten. Personally I wanted to hear what is being offered for family/friends of cancer patients. There are some resources but not enough.

I am going to link to some blogs that have discussed this issue to some degree which I think are pertinent to this topic.

Cancer affects us all in one way or another. Remembering to include the family or friends in the comments and concerns about well-being and emotional/physical stress is an integral and imperative part of the journey.

Karen Lynch at Discussing Breast Cancer has a 3 part series on Cancer at the Holidays

Sarah at Killer Boob discusses the social trickiness of discussing cancer with others in what she so eloquently refers to as "the C Bomb"

This is the post from Carolyn that has prompted my posting today...What About Me?

A final thought from me on this...for those who have a loved one who is experiencing the cancer journey (cancer of any kind, not just breast cancer) or MS, or anything else that is life threatening...do not feel guilty for wanting some attention for yourself. For needing to feel included and remembered. There is nothing to feel shamed or guilty about. You still need comfort and reassurance for yourself, for what this means in your own life. And if it isn't forthcoming from others? Ask for it. Please.

The Healing Process

2007-12-10T17:16:00.000-05:00

This is something I found, read and kept while going through the cancer journey. It applies to any kind of loss, any kind of healing and is something that can be referred to at any point in life..there are so many losses, so many setbacks we experience at different junctures on the road. I'm not sure who wrote this or where I found it. But it is wise.

The Healing Process

Mourning the loss of what you had is a natural part of the healing process. After naming your losses, you can look at those losses with an eye towards healing.

~ Things to Remember ~

Healing has no timetable.

Healing has no set formula or form to it
Healing is to be honored no matter the form it takes. Some gifts come disguised in plain wrapping.

Healing is a transformation taking you to new and unexpected levels.

Healing can mean the healing of your spirit, a relationship or the physical body.

Sharing your tale is an important part of the your healing process.

Realize the pain of loss may not go away. It will subside and transform over time, but the experience will contribute to the fabric of your life, and your healing story.

A Tree and a Giveaway

2007-12-09T12:56:00.000-05:00

This Sunday is a family day...with both boys home, it's time to head off to find ourselves a Christmas tree and get decorating for the season. We'll also have a late lunch, early dinner at Milestones, one of our favourite restaurants. It's been snowing lightly and it's coldish, so it's a perfect day for tree hunting. And a cup of mulled apple cider will be the icing on this cake!!

Please stop over at Can I Be Pretty in Pink? today to leave a note for Deena who is having her surgery this week, and please let her know that you came to her from me. Deena is doing a little giveaway as well which is also fun, especially during the holiday season.

Bah Humbug...No Cancer at The Holidays

2007-12-08T13:02:00.001-05:00

I was thinking about ornaments for the holidays, wondering was there such a thing ~ did companies make breast cancer symbol ornaments for the holidays. Apparently the answer is yes.

I did a quick google search and went no further than this stocking. Price? Approximately $60, $8 of which goes to the Susan G. Komen For the Cure. Yes, the company, Once Upon a Stocking is making a "maximum donation" of $10,000 to Komen For the Cure, but what if they don't sell any of these stockings? Will they still donate?

This disturbs me. I'm sure there are other people who think this is wonderful, would love to have one and would buy one to give as a gift. I know this...I don't want one, and I certainly wouldn't buy it as a gift. This is one time of year that I want everything to be about "others", about everyone else in my life. For all that they have done for me, for all that they continue to do in small ways, in large ways. I want to savour it and enjoy it. I want to lavish those I love with goodness and wonder and joy.

I want to see other colours in the rainbow and surround myself in the palettes of reds, greens, blues, silvers, golds...I want stars and angels, gingerbread men and snowmen, santas and nativities. I want everything that represents Christmas and the holiday season. Breast cancer gets put in the closet to be thought about another time.

Hanging a stocking like this only makes me think once again..is it STILL about me? Giving this as a gift? Anyone experiencing cancer wants chocolate, beauty, something frilly, something beautiful. No reminders needed.

Up Up and Away...No Waiting!

2007-12-07T21:57:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about all the things I want to reflect on with regard to cancer, to illness, to life altering moments in life. There is a subject I have been asked to, or it was suggested I might want to approach and I am going to do that after the weekend. I want to take the time to think it through, do some research so that I can give this subject the time and attention it so very much deserves.

Today is just a day to feel happy about. A day where even the mundane like being at the post office was lovely. The last few days I have been there mailing some of my orders there has been quite a long lineup or a lengthy wait. Today I walked in and I was the only customer. What a joy that was!

Tonight I've been to Michael's to pick up a few art supplies I need for the new direction I'm moving with my joy (no line up!) and stopped at Starbucks on the way home for a yummy Peppermint Mocha...ooohhh so good. Reminds me of candy canes and how I loved those as a child. I still like them and take the leftovers and crush them up into my tea...or leave them whole and use them as a stir stick!! And again...no line up!!

Sometimes things just work in your favour.

The balloons? No reason...I think it just felt rather freeing to think of myself as a balloon...floating and colourful and "light" (not to mention full of hot air!!!).

I'm Done Treatment - What Now?

2007-12-06T17:05:00.000-05:00

(click on the photo to read the text)

I'm a great one for keeping articles and quotes, interesting thoughts and poems. Things that inspire me. I also save articles that offer information and reflection. This link to the Avon Breast Cancer Center at Johns Hopkins is one of those. It deals with issues surrounding moving beyond and I have found it quite helpful. It's a good thing it's online...if it was folded up in my wallet it would be in tatters by now with the number of times I've read it!!

http://www.hopkinsbreastcenter.org/library/diagnosis_treatment/post_treatment.shtml

Free Hugs

2007-12-05T13:20:00.000-05:00

I want to share this video which I saw at least a year ago. You may have already watched it. Yesterday I was talking about speaking with strangers and those random acts of kindness. Carolyn was mentioning in her comment that where she lives people would look at you funny if you started a conversation or smiled and said hello. That's true in many places and I think we as a society have become insular and singular. Trust has become an issue and there are so many negatives in the world, so much random violence that we have become afraid of one another. This video gives me hope. There is music on the video which I know will clash with the music on the blog so if you mute your sound it will be easier to watch the video.

The Random Acts of Kindness

2007-12-04T09:26:00.000-05:00

Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return. It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want and do.

~ Emmanuel Swedenborg ~

I often have people (children, adults) approach me to ask my opinion, my advice, for directions, for help. It happens frequently and my children refer to me in these instances as "random". As in "oh mom, you are so random." Being random is, in my book, a good thing. I don't mind being approached, I don't mind offering a kind word or assistance where I can. I never think about it, I just do it.

Last week it was striking up a conversation with a woman in a department store as we looked at holiday ornaments and then she sought me out minutes later to ask me to help her as she chose ornaments for her daughter's home.

Yesterday it was at the bank. I was waiting my turn to use the ATM when the woman and her young daughter using one of the two machines, approached me and asked me how she would deposit her cheque to her account through the ATM. It was obvious she had never done this before and her English was somewhat limited. I took her and her daughter through the steps necessary to deposit the cheque and waited my turn. I smiled throughout this encounter and was more than aware of the strange look I received from the woman at the other ATM and the woman behind me in line. I made a point of saying very nicely, how difficult it can be when you attempt something for the first time and how wonderful it was that rather than stand and fret, holding up the line that she had asked me for my help. I pointed out how empowering it is to ask for help when you need it.

More than what I did yesterday for that woman, I hope the other women standing in the same space with us learned something as well. Not only did the young girl have the opportunity to learn something, so did the adults. And oh yes, it made me feel good, made me feel very good indeed...right down to my soul.

The Best Day of My Life

2007-12-03T08:46:00.000-05:00

I read this piece during my early diagnosis and treatment. I vibrated with the truth and the honesty of this. I claimed it as my spirit and my belief. Prior to reading this I had begun giving thanks for each morning and giving thanks again at night for another day of life. It is more than a ritual, it is part of the fabric of my life. I re-read this from time to time to remind myself, to refresh my spirit. There is comfort on the journey of life, there is wisdom and there is grace.

The Best Day Of My Life
Gregory M. Lousignont, Ph.D.

Today, when I awoke,
I suddenly realized that this is
the best day of my life, ever!

There were times when I wondered if
I would make it to today; but I did!
And because I did
I'm going to celebrate!

Today, I'm going to celebrate what
an unbelievable life I have had so far:
the accomplishments, the many blessings,
and, yes, even the hardships because
they have served to make me stronger.

I will go through this day with my head
held high, and a happy heart.

I will marvel at God's seemingly simple
gifts: the morning dew, the sun, the
clouds, the trees, the flowers, the birds.
Today, none of these miraculous creations
will escape my notice.

Today, I will share my excitement for life
with other people. I'll make someone
smile. I'll go out of my way to perform
an unexpected act of kindness for someone
I don't even know.

Today, I'll give a sincere compliment to
someone who seems down. I'll tell a child
how special he is, and I'll tell someone
I love just how deeply I care for them
and how much they mean to me.

Today is the day I quit worrying about
what I don't have and start being grateful
for all the wonderful things
God has already given me.

I'll remember that to worry is just a
waste of time because my faith in God
and His Divine Plan ensures everything
will be just fine.

Tonight, before I go to bed, I'll go
outside and raise my eyes to the heavens.
I will stand in awe at the beauty of the
stars and the moon, and I will praise God
for these magnificent treasures.

As the day ends and I lay my head down
on my pillow, I will thank the Almighty
for the best day of my life. And I will
sleep the sleep of a contented child,
excited with expectation because I know
tomorrow is going to be ......
The Best Day Of My Life!

Triggers of Memory

2007-12-02T07:42:00.000-05:00

Woke up this morning to a blanket of snow..it's looking lovely outside and I'm happy to have snow for the holidays, but after that? We can ditch the white stuff and I'll be quite happy. I don't ski so I'm not keen for feet of snow and I'm of the thinking with this one that less is more!! It was chilly when I climbed out of my cozy nest of a bed so I've grabbed a thick sweater and my son's hoodie (!). Couldn't find one of my slippers (doesn't that drive you batty when you can only find one of a pair of anything?!) so I grabbed a pair of thick socks, turned the heat up just a notch and I'm thinking about oatmeal for breakfast instead of my cold cereal!! The calendar may not officially say it's winter, but believe you me, from where I'm sitting this morning, it is!!

As I was pulling on my socks I thought of what I think about almost every time I open my sock drawer...chemo. I suppose there will always be things that associate with that time in my life ~ we do that, both with good memories and the not so good memories.

I have no idea why socks is one of those triggers for me. There was nothing significant about socks, other than that I always made sure to wear warm ones during a chemo infusion to keep me as warm as possible since I would get so cold sitting in the chair. Maybe it was the neuropathy that I suffered in my feet from the taxol. I started chemo at the end of August 2005 so I probably only wore sandals or flip flops to one of my treatments. From then on it would have been socks and sneakers, or shoes or boots as we rolled into winter and I finished chemo at the end of January '06.

One morning, after I had finished my neo-adjuvant treatment and before I started my Herceptin treatment, I opened that drawer, took out all the socks, kept one pair to wear that day and dumped them all in the trash. To me, they were my "chemo socks" and I wanted no reminder of having worn them. There was a "freedom" in doing that. I went that morning and treated myself to a dozen pair of new socks! True, I still think of chemo when I open the drawer, but it is a memory of something that was helpful, something that I needed to do, and not the memory of sitting in the chair and how chemo made me feel physically. It just seems so odd that it would be pairs of socks that would hold that memory!

Bella's Beautiful Rules

2007-12-01T13:27:00.000-05:00

My friend Bella writes from the deepest part of her soul. Her soul is a bottomless well from which she pulls beauty, joy, laughter, tears, passions, fears and wisdom.

The other day she posted her 10 Rules to Live By which I told her I would like to post here, to remind myself and to share with others. I am only going to post the rules, but in order to understand why these are the rules according to Bella, you must read her explanations on her blog. Hopefully while you are there you will peruse her other musings and wonders about life. I know some of you who read here have been to visit Bella and been charmed by her voice. Once you have read these rules, what are you thinking about for your own life rules? If you do this and post your own rules, please come and let me know.

BELLA'S RULES FOR LIFE

1. BE BIG

2. BE WRONG

3. LOVE AND LET YOURSELF BE LOVED

4. SAY YES TO EVERY PART OF YOURSELF

5. USE COMMON SENSE

6. LOVE THE SKIN YOU ARE IN

7. FEEL YOUR FEELINGS

8. LAUGH

9. BE HONEST

10. OPEN YOUR EYES

Chocolate Sings

2007-11-30T08:32:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy week, and yesterday was so much driving, in not so ideal conditions. I was gripping the wheel so tightly to keep the car from being blown about in the wind and when I went to bed last night my neck was stiff, shoulders stiff. Since chemo and radiation I often get a "crink" in my neck where it just "stiffens" and then takes a moment to relax. I've heard other people talk about this as well. A minor irritation more than anything. So today will be a slow, relaxing day.

I was reading through some of my saved files this morning and came across this one which I love and want to share.

CHOCOLATE SINGS

One day I had a date for lunch with friends. Mae, a little old "blue hair"about 80 years old, came along with them---All in all, a pleasant bunch.
When the menus were presented, we ordered salads, sandwiches, and soups, except for Mae who said, "Ice Cream, please. Two scoops, chocolate."
I wasn't sure my ears heard right, and the others were aghast. "Along with heated apple pie," Mae added, completely unabashed. We tried to act quite nonchalant, as if people did this all the time. But when our orders were brought out, I didn't enjoy mine.. I couldn't take my eyes off Mae as her pie a-la-mode went down. The other ladies showed dismay. They ate their lunches silently and frowned.
The next time I went out to eat, I called and invited Mae. I lunched on white meat tuna. She ordered a parfait. I smiled. She asked if she amused me. I answered, "Yes, you do, but also you confuse me. How come you order rich desserts, while I feel I must be sensible?
She laughed and said, with wanton mirth, "I'm tasting all that's possible. I try to eat the food I need, and do the things I should. But life's so short, my friend, I hate missing out on something good. This year I realized how old I was. (She grinned) I haven't been this old before."
"So, before I die, I've got to try those things that for years I had ignored. I haven't smelled all the flowers yet. There are too many books I haven't read. There's more fudge sundaes to wolf down and kites to be flown overhead. There are many malls I haven't shopped. I've not laughed at all the jokes. I've missed a lot of Broadway hits and potato chips and cokes. I want to wade again in water and feel ocean spray on my face. I want to sit in a country church once more and thank God for His grace. I want peanut butter every day spread on my morning toast. I want UN-timed long distance calls to the folks I love the most. I haven't cried at all the movies yet, or walked in the morning rain. I need to feel wind in my hair. I want to fall in love again. So, if I choose to have dessert, instead of having dinner, then
should I die before night fall, I'd say I died a winner, because I missed out on nothing. I filled my heart's desire. I had that final chocolate mousse before my life expired."
With that, I called the waitress over.. "I've changed my mind," I said. "I want what she is having, only add some more whipped cream!"

Live well, love much & laugh often -
Be happy.
Be mindful that happiness isn't based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on relationships with people we love and respect.

Remember that while money talks,
CHOCOLATE SINGS

Gratitude

2007-11-29T23:14:00.001-05:00

Tonight's post, as late as it is in the day, is a simple thank you...to everyone who left me birthday wishes for the coming year or should I say the coming years...with positive thoughts of how wonderful it is to have another year.

I've had a hectic day of driving in bad conditions and doing things for my family which has left me little or no time at all for myself. But before I head to bed, I sincerely want to say,

Birthday Wisdom

2007-11-28T16:22:00.000-05:00

Today is my birthday. I woke with a fresh sense of wonder and awe at being alive. I never take a day for granted. There were many years when I did and I moaned and groaned about having another birthday and a new wrinkle or another grey hair. Of course this was all pre-cancer, pre wisdom and knowledge that life matters in ways I had never thought about. I give thanks each day for the blessing of a new day, a new page in my book of life. To attain another milestone and another year of life is always something to be grateful for. The celebration needn't be fancy or spectacular. It doesn't even need gifts wrapped in fancy packages.

I've been graced and blessed with numerous wishes on my blogs, I've had phone calls from dear friends, I have had flowers and cards and I have been deeply and truly blessed. I have been invited and accepted by, a webring group that is all about aged vintage paper...which is my love and what I am following with my passion in art and in my etsy boutique. I was also gifted, indirectly, by the very wonderful post my friend Bella made on her own blog Beyond the Map today, with her wisdom. Bella is a fellow cancer survivor who knows about and appreciates life. She writes from her soul..not her heart, her soul. She pours out what she thinks, what she is feeling and she writes with an earthy sense of wisdom, wisdom far beyond her years.

I am not going to copy her post here...but I very sincerely and strongly would like anyone who is reading this post to follow the link to what Bella has said today. If this does not strike a chord or resonate within you, please read it again. It is simply beautiful. Bella, thank you for sharing yourself and your words. Each day with you is like adding another piece to the quilt of life.

Key to Success

2007-11-27T08:44:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about my comments from yesterday about an 18 year old young woman being diagnosed with breast cancer. I was a bit cavalier in my thoughts about "how" she may have developed cancer because I left out one key factor...aside from the fact that I don't have all the information about her particular cancer and that's important because no two cancers are exactly alike and no two diagnoses are ever going to be exactly alike. There are obviously other factors involved in this and one that I did not touch on was inherited disease. I do not know anything about this young woman's family history with cancer so it is possible that her mother, or her aunt or an older sibling may also have been diagnosed with breast cancer, which would then lead to the brca genetic component of breast cancer, which leads me to some research of my own and I will talk about that when I have a more complete understanding of how this genetic miscode affects families.

I've just watched a most inspiring video presentation on Seize a Daisy. Every Tuesday, Larramie offers something incredible through her TED talks. Today's was about success and what makes someone successful. Larramie had this quote at the top of her post To follow, without halt, one aim: There's the secret of success.
~ Anna Pavlova and I thought to myself...that's applicable to anything in life, including fighting breast cancer. You have one aim only ... to smash and destroy cancer cells. Are there words of encouragement to help anyone fighting disease and needing that singular focus? Watch this 3 minute TED clip and see if you can answer that one for yourself.

How Young is Too Young

2007-11-26T16:44:00.000-05:00

One of the things that has come to my attention recently is the young age of so many women who are being diagnosed with cancer. Not just breast cancer..ovarian, melanoma..it takes my breath away when I think of young women who have just started their lives, have young families to care for and cancer makes an unannounced and unwelcome visit.

I was reading a blog today, one that I visit daily and the writer told her readers that a young mother, a woman she has never met but followed through her blog, had succumbed to her melanoma this weekend. I looked at her family photos posted on the blog and when I saw three children under the age of 6 the tears came to my eyes.

My thinking has been running along these lines for some time now, as most of the women I have met online are under the age of 40. 40 is the age when regular mammograms are recommended to commence. There is something wrong with this equation.

I was brought up very short over the weekend when one blog link led to another through the interview Carolyn at Magpie-Pixie did of me, and learned through Jo Anne that she is part of a yahoo group and within the group, someone's relative was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. It took my breath away when Jo Anne mentioned that this young woman is 18 years old.

Cancer happens, we know that. We don't know why it happens to some and not others. We don't know what "causes" it though cancer societies, medical professionals and others have kindly compiled a list of warning signs or things to avoid to prevent breast cancer. As far as I'm concerned now, those lists are useless. I admit I never had much use for them before because it all falls under public relations, marketing and what other people "think" women want to know or hear.

Can anyone seriously believe that this young 18 year old had her children too late in life? That she took hormone replacements? That she didn't breast feed her babies? That she has taken the birth control pill for too long (perhaps she started at age 6!)...this young woman has not even left her childhood nor has she begun to live her life.

The reality is that we are women and we have breasts. That is all that we need to know.

But the reminder is always there..it can happen to anyone, at any age. If we know our bodies and we listen to what our bodies are telling us, we are our own advocates for what we need. It is rare when breast cancer happens at this age, but it is not the first time I have heard of it happening. I live for the day when it is the last.

For information, please contact the Young Survival Coalition.

Bloggers With Heart

2007-11-25T08:59:00.000-05:00

One of the great joys of being part of the "blogosphere" is being able to meet so many exceptional and wonderful people that we would never have had the opportunity to know. I've said the same thing about breast cancer ~ that aside from the less attractive aspects of this disease, one of the best aspects is that it has allowed me to know people I would never otherwise have had the joy to include in my life.

There are a number of topics that I will be discussing within the next few weeks, concerns and aspects of breast cancer that have come to my attention through the other women who blog, and issues that they or family members are experiencing.

Today I want to share something I feel it is important for others to know. After Carolyn's interview with me was posted yesterday on her blog, one of her readers linked that interview to her own blog. JoAnne's post affirmed for me what this network of blogging and network of women is really all about...giving, caring and sharing. The post beneath that one took my breath away in it's verse, but also in it's hands reaching out to hands. How we care about one another as people. How we want to make a difference when we know that we cannot take the disease away but want to do "something" when those we know are affected by breast or any other type of cancer. It is situations like this that make me proud to be a woman.

Through JoAnne, I read Mo's blog...another breast cancer survivor with a project that might interest some of you. Being able to reach out into the world through the joy of blogging helps us to know how connected we are to one another. Helpful for all of us, but especially those who have very little or no support in their day to day lives.

*image created by and borrowed from JoAnne Owen's blog, Paper Cat's Place.

An Award To Lift Me

2007-11-24T09:46:00.000-05:00

I was honoured last week when my friend Carolyn at Magpie-Pixie asked me if I would do an interview for her blog. I agreed and if you are interested in what I had to say, please read here.

What took me very much by surprise was that Carolyn has created a new award (designed by Carolyn...), and a most beautiful award it is, the Angels Speak Award. I am deeply honoured and more than humbled to be the first recipient of this award. I can tell you that this is a first for me. We touch lives when we don't know it. We have the opportunity to make a difference in someone else's world..and we don't know quite often that we have. When we know that we have we realize why we are here and why we face some of the challenges that we do.

When Life Hands You Lemons...

2007-11-23T08:08:00.000-05:00

Being given a diagnosis of cancer is MORE than life giving you a lemon...it's like being hit with a truckload of lemons...most of them having been on the truck too long so that they are rotten...and they give you an extra squirt of juice, right in the eye!

That said, when bad things happen in our world we have the choice of what we want to do with that. We aren't always victorious over the bad things but there comes a level of "acceptance" and making peace with ourselves.

I finished JoAnna M. Lund's book last night. JoAnna is the creator of Healthy Exchanges cookbooks and after being diagnosed with IBC, she wrote "When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemon Meringue Pie ~ Seven Simple Recipes for Living -- and Thriving -- With Cancer". Not only does the book talk about positive ways of living, it includes some delicious, healthy lemon dessert recipes.

JoAnna was diagnosed with Stage IV, Her2+ cancer that had metastasized to her bones. A dire diagnosis. These paragraphs in her book resonated with me because it is something survivors question much of the time. Why have others not conquered the disease but I am still doing so? Did God forsake me when cancer started to grow in my body? Was there some "reason" this happened to me, did I need to learn a lesson? There are no answers to those questions, however, I very much like JoAnna's thoughts on this.

"Why am I still here, practically in remission after being diagnosed at Stage IV? I know that in just the few years since I was diagnosed, there have been a lot of good people who found out they had cancer -- people who are no longer here.

I know it's not because I'm a better person or because I prayed harder. I just think it's because God has other plans for me. So that's how I'm going to proceed."

It's All About the Attitude Baby

2007-11-22T08:14:00.001-05:00

If you've been with me for some time or just started reading what I talk about, you'll know that I'm all about "the words", I'm all about "the attitude"...how we look at life, how we look at our situations, how we choose to do both of those things is not just important to our health and well being..it is imperative. Will thinking positively cure you, heal you or make you 100% healthy? No one can ever make that promise. However, if I have the "choice" (which we all do) of being sad, miserable, unhappy and despondently depressed about something that has happened to me or looking for a silver lining, looking for a way to make sense of my world and how I can function in a world gone somewhat "mad", I'm going to opt for looking at my world from eyes of wonder, awe, joy and inspiration. The word I rely on most is "hope". If we have no "hope" what do we have?

I don't live in a land of denial with my head stuck into the sand. Nor do I live with false hope or false optimism. I deal within the reality of whatever the situation is and then I work my way through it. Naturally I have down days or days when I think "this takes a lot of effort and energy, do I have it today?" and some days I just don't have the energy. That's wonderful too. Some days we just need to ride on "coast" mode and allow our energy both physical and spiritual to regenerate. No one can be "up" all the time. It costs us as much in our well-being to be "up" constantly as it does to be "down". So what we look for obviously is "balance".

Throughout my cancer journey I continue to talk about balance, spirit and wholeness. I refer often to the balance of mind/body/spirit, for if that is out of sync and not working together how can we possibly expect to live of a life of fulfillment? There are times in our lives when each one of these three needs nurturing and care. As you would water the plants in your garden, do you "only" water a few special ones each day and hope the others will grow as well without your loving attention? Watering each part of your "whole" nourishes and nurtures every aspect of who you are.

If you are looking for reading material that works within the positive thinking philosophy, these two, while written by breast cancer survivors offer wisdom and insight that apply to anyone and to situations other than cancer. How we think, what we think is all up to us. No one else dictates or tells us how to do that. If you've been raised with people who think in a negative mode, it is still your choice how you want to think, what you want to believe. It's never too late to change.

My Breast - One Woman's Breast Cancer Story by Joyce Wadler

The Feisty Woman's Breast Cancer Book by Elaine Ratner

Serenity, Tranquility and Gratitude

2007-11-21T13:54:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving in the U.S. So for those of my friends who live in America and will be celebrating their Thanksgiving, I thought it appropriate to share something that all of us (even those of us not celebrating the holiday but who want to give thanks) can be grateful for, and may these words touch upon you in your own special meaning and interpretation.

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand.

May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.

Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace.

May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life, and may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world.

May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them.

Remember, those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you, even if the encounters were less than you would have wished. It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart.

Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you.

Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way. What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.

May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility.

Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience.

May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself, and not be dependent on another's judgment of your accomplishments.

May you always feel loved.

Author Unknown

What Do Angels Look Like?

2007-11-20T12:23:00.000-05:00

I've been off today at a Virtual Vintage Prom through my art blog which has been a lot of fun. I'm finishing up my giveaway parcels so I can get them into the mail this week and tonight I'm off to a hockey party for youngest son's team..a "get to know you" for parents and players (we've only been playing since early September!! LOL!). Found this in my archives...one that I have always loved.

WHAT DO ANGELS LOOK LIKE?

Like the little old lady who returned
~ your wallet yesterday.

Like the taxi driver who told you that your eyes
~ light up the world, when you smile.

Like the small child who showed you
~ the wonder in simple things.

Like the poor man who offered to
~ share his lunch with you.

Like the rich man who showed you that it
~ really is all possible, if only you believe.

Like the stranger who just happened to come along,
~ when you had lost your way.

Like the friend who touched your heart,
~ when you didn't think you had one to touch.

Angels come in all sizes and shapes,
~ all ages and skin types.

Some with freckles, some with dimples,
~ some with wrinkles, some without.

They come disguised as friends, enemies,
~ teachers, students, lovers and fools.

They don't take life too seriously,
~ they travel light.

They leave no forwarding address,
~ they ask nothing in return.

They wear sneakers with gossamer wings,
~ they get a deal on dry cleaning.

They are hard to find when your eyes are closed, But
~ they are everywhere you look, when you choose to see.

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Natural Highs

2007-11-19T11:24:00.000-05:00

A friend sent this to me in an email today. I've seen it before but I never tire of seeing it because it fills me with happiness and joy. It reminds me that there are so many things to give us joy and pleasure, inspiration and hope.

Natural Highs

1.Falling in love.
2.Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3.A hot shower.
4.No lines at the supermarket.
5.A special glance.
6.Getting mail.
7.Taking a drive on a pretty road.
8.Hearing your favorite song on the radio.
9.Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
11.Chocolate shake (vanilla or strawberry).
12.A bubble bath.
13. Giggling.
14. A good conversation.
15. The beach.
16.Finding a $20 in your coat from last winter.
17.Laughing at yourself.
18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you
19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
20. Running through sprinklers.
21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
22.Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS
24.Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
25 . Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.
26. Your first kiss (the very first).
27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
28. Playing with a new puppy.
29.Having someone play with your hair.
30. Sweet dreams.
31.Hot chocolate.
32.Road trips with friends.
33. Swinging on swings.
34.Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
35.Making chocolate chip cookies.
36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.
37. Holding hands with someone you care about.
38.Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad)never change.
39. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from you.
40. Watching the sunrise.
41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
42. Knowing that somebody misses you.
43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
44 . Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Now you can't tell me you've read through this and you don't feel like smiling, that you don't feel that lovely glow inside??

Just Another Sunday

2007-11-18T17:50:00.000-05:00

I love being able to say that...just another Sunday. I love being able to say that every day is "just another"...because it's wonderful to be able to count them up and keep on saying "here's another one". There was a time when I took every day for granted. Just expected that they would be here and just accepted what it was to be. I haven't done that for a long time now and it feels wonderful to be grateful for each and every day.

Today was spent with my bff Barb. We don't have as much time to spend together as we used to..she's working full time, she's busy with her son's hockey, running a household when she's got time...so it's always a treat when we can find a few hours to share and catch up with one another. We browsed through one of our favourite shops to see if we could find inspiration for our holiday decorating and made very limited purchases (not a bad thing) and then hit HomeSense to check out what goodies they had on offer...not much. And most of it very "unseasonal"...snowmen with scary Halloween faces, rude looking Santas...we laughed so hard it hurt...that's always a good feeling. So yes, it was "just another Sunday", but it was a fulfilling Sunday, spent with someone I care about, with whom I can laugh. My only purchase for today (other than coffee!) was this key from A Stones Throw. There was just something about it that appealed.

On another note, the very lovely Bella at Beyond the Map bestowed this award on me yesterday and I'm so very touched that she thinks I am a worthy recipient.

This award was designed for bloggers who "make [a blog] their own, stay with it, are interactive with their readers, and just plain have fun."

Just plain having fun is so important to me. As much as I like to talk about breast cancer and share information and offer support, life is about so much more than "cancer" and it's as important that we remember to integrate ourselves in daily life even while undergoing treatment, to the extent that we can so that we remember to "live" our lives and not just exist within them. It is also important that as we go through this journey we remember to laugh, to find fun things to occupy our minds which also reminds us that we are still very much alive. After treatment is finished it is extremely important that we find our fun, that we remain active with others and continue to make the most of everything we have. It isn't easy, none of this is easy, but doing everything one step at a time, within our limits, makes such a difference.

So I thank Bella once again for thinking of me in this way. Later in the week I will continue this and share the award with a few others.

Accepting Emotions

2007-11-17T09:59:00.001-05:00

I've been reading Carleen Brice's "Walk Tall - Affirmations for People of Color" and find that although I am pink, much of this book and these affirmations apply to all of us universally, regardless of the colour of our skin or where our roots and origins take us. This one I read this morning, resonated deeply with me. I think it is something that breast cancer survivors/thrivers can relate to.

Accepting Emotions

Feelings are not bad, shameful, stupid or crazy. Feelings just are. Happiness is no better than sadness. Joy is not better than anger. Of course, some feelings are more enjoyable than others, but they all serve a purpose. We wouldn't choose an arm and cut off a leg. Why be selective about which feelings we acknowledge?

Feelings are our emotional barometers. They tell us how we're doing and what we need to work on. If we don't use our emotional energy, we run the risk of becoming blocked and dry. Don't be afraid to feel. Emotions are part of a healthy, balanced life.

I accept all my emotions.

*image by Natalier12691

Chocolate On the Brain!

2007-11-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

All that talk about chocolate yesterday has stayed in my mind, playing over and over like a bad song you can't forget!!

Oldest son and his buddy are coming in to town tonight from Uni for a concert and they'll stay overnight before heading back tomorrow afternoon. They want good home cooking, hot food...so I'm doing beef bourguinnone which smells like heaven right now, and since I don't make dessert anymore (I used to do it all the time), I bought some things from the grocery while I was picking up a baguette.

The Tarte au Chocolat from President's Choice looks like heaven and I was told by the clerk at the store that small slivers are plenty (!)...it's an all butter crust filled with a ganache made with Belgian dark chocolate and cream. Ooh la la!! I bought some "fat free" Cool Whip to go with it!! Well, you have to at least make yourself "think" you are being "good"!! I also picked up an apple and cranberry crostata (like a tart/pie combination) which looks delicious!

Off to the vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms, changing linens, etc. It's nice to have something to do that will mean something to others!!

Find your bliss and your joy in the day. It's always there..you just have to look.

The Healing Power of Chocolate

2007-11-15T09:25:00.001-05:00

As odd as it might sound, I was never a chocolate lover. I do have a sweet tooth and I indulge in pastry and other types of candy. But chocolate was never high on my list. Until breast cancer which changed my world, my outlook and my taste buds forever. This is something that I unequivocally state is a good thing that came from cancer!

There is something in chocolate or about chocolate that suddenly during chemotherapy tasted wonderful to me. There was something soothing about it. And to my surprise and delight I discovered that there was much to be said for chocolate. Especially dark chocolate which it seemed I couldn't get enough of. I'm still partial to dark chocolate and while I am trying to behave with my sweet tooth and keep it in check, I do indulge from time to time with dark chocolate.

According to the Mayo Clinic, chocolate leads the list of antioxidant foods:

FACTS ON CHOCOLATE
According to the Mayo Clinic Nutritional Letter
Acne - There is no established link between developing acne and eating chocolate.
Addiction - As a food substance, chocolate has no addictive ingredients.
Cavities - Studies have not placed chocolate high on the list of cavity-causing products. The cocoa butter in chocolate may provide protection against tooth decay.
Cholesterol - Studies show that cocoa butter has a neutral effect on blood cholesterol levels because of the high level of stearic acid.
Stimulants - Chocolate contains minuscule amounts of caffeine. 8 oz. of dark chocolate or 16 oz. of milk chocolate is comparable to a cup of coffee.

TOP ANTIOXIDANT FOODS
ORAC* Units Per 100 Grams
Dark Chocolate 13,120
Milk Chocolate 6,740

While chocolate may or may not have any significant health benefits, it does contribute to a feeling of well being. Our psychological health is an important component of our physical health and well being.

As with everything else, moderation is always the key.

Chemo "Daze"

2007-11-14T14:39:00.000-05:00

As I gather items and think about what my next special package will be to my chemo buddy, I can't help but think back to my own "chemo daze". So many thoughts come back to me about how I felt, what I thought, how I coped. I was very blessed to never have the aggravating nausea. Yes, my stomach did twirls and spins from time to time, but I was never actually sick. The anti nausea medication worked for me, though I know we are not all blessed to have had that "luxury". I use that word deliberately. It is a luxury to not have that as something additional to cope with.

One of the things I did find challenging was taste. My mouth tasted like metal all the time and it was constantly "dry". Again, that was the extent of it for me. I was blessed to not develop mouth sores but I took care to do all I could, hoping that I would be spared. And I was.

Finding beverages to drink that tasted "good" became the one ever-changing challenge. Just when something would taste "okay", the next day it did not. Water did nothing for me, though pouring in some Crystal Light helped. Cranberry juice wasn't bad for most of the time but there were days when it was revolting. Ginger Ale was pretty good..until it wasn't. I tried lemonade and Coke, I tried Iced Tea and 7-Up. I tried orange juice, apple juice, grapefruit juice. I tried tea and coffee. And then I would start all over again. Red wine which I love was definitely out, not just because I didn't want to have alcohol while undergoing chemo, it tasted like dirt. I had a glass for a special occasion and it was undrinkable.

What I did find was always the same, after the first attempt was Coke. I have never been a Coke drinker as such. It's just never been a beverage I enjoyed. However, during Chemo it became something that I knew I could count on when nothing else was working. I think if I had tried it "all the time" it wouldn't have worked as well. Coming back to it seemed to do the trick.

The first time I had Coke was after my first chemo. I came home that day, tired out like an old dish rag..limp and tight as a drum. Oldest son had just come home from his new part-time job at Mickey D's and he brought himself something to eat and a Coke. I was soooo thirsty and I took a sip of his drink only to spit it in the sink. I told him there was no way he could drink that..it was bad. Something had happened to the syrup in the machine that makes the Coke and he'd be ill if he drank it. He took a sip and smiled. His father took a sip and smiled. I tried it again, and again, I spit it into the sink. And then it hit me...my taste buds had already been affected, that quickly by the A/C drugs. Incredible!! There was no carbonation to that drink as far as I was concerned and there was a bad flavour. We laughed about it then, and we laugh about it now. It just reminds me that it is the simple things that we lose during chemo as well as the bigger things like our hair.

Mickey D's provided a lot of entertainment for us during my chemo daze. When I had shaved my head after it started to fall out, oldest son came home with another Coke and put his empty cup on top of my head...it made a beautiful side table.

If you don't laugh...the day hasn't been fully lived.

Big 5-0 Post and a Giveaway

2007-11-13T07:42:00.000-05:00

With this being my 50th post, I am having a small celebration as well as doing a giveaway simply because I feel like having some fun in the middle of November, something to brighten up the dreary days. The donuts are delightful are they not? They add a festive cheer to the occasion (believe it or not these are Homer Simpson donuts...had to buy them for youngest son because I thought he'd get a kick out of them. He did!!).

Everyone who posted from the time I mentioned the giveaway until yesterday became eligible for this giveaway. I put all the names in a bowl and I chose the winner this morning.

But I couldn't pick just one...with ten to choose from how could I give just one gift? So in honour of 50, adding 5 + 0 and coming up with 5, I am giving 5 gifts.

Here are the winning names as pulled from the bowl.

Whymommy, KT, Sarah, Bella and Jenster, please send me an email (you'll find it on my profile page) and give me your mailing particulars so that I can get these goodies on their way. A little pre-holiday cheer!!

As for my headache, it's definitely sinus (as evidenced by the post nasal drip I've got going today). It's weather related and with things warming up here again, plus the sinus meds. I took yesterday things are looking up. The pain is gone it's just residual.

I thank you all for your comments and your concerns. We learn to help one another by talking about these issues and it is this caring and sharing that helps us get through this life.

Headaches

2007-11-12T07:42:00.000-05:00

I've had THE worst headache since Friday afternoon. It started as a low throb around my eyes and continued to get worse, despite Advil. By 3:30 a.m. Sunday I was in agony, woken from my restless sleep by the splitting pain in my head. I could barely rise to get to the bathroom for more Advil and each movement brought a fresh gash of pain and a roll to my stomach. Was this migraine? It seemed more like severe sinus to me. I haven't had a headache like this since I was 15 and that one laid me in my bed for 3 days barely able to move.

I'm still feeling the effects today...upset stomach, low grade headache. The weather doesn't help. Cold, warm, damp, mild...it's up and down like a yo-yo. Little wonder the body's sync goes out of whack. I'll watch this today and if it's no better by tomorrow after taking decongestants, or I start with a fever it will be off to get a script to bring this under control. The way the sinus are behaving I'm sure it's this and not migraine.

Could this be something "more"? Do I worry that it is cancer making a return visit, mets to my brain? Of course the idea occurs. How can it not? Once cancer has made itself part of your life, the idea of recurrence, the thought of recurrence is never far from our conscious thought. Is it mets to the brain? No, I'm sure that it's not. The idea hasn't really taken "hold" and I'm not about to let it. Do I believe in mind over matter? To a certain degree, yes I do. I also know that if I dwell on that thought I will only make myself feel worse and of course the symptoms will linger longer and quite possibly "seem" worse than they are. I also made a promise to myself that I would not let cancer take that much hold over my life and keep me hostage. I don't have my head in the sand. I don't deal in denial. I simply refuse to be a prisoner to this disease.

But how do we avoid this? Our immediate reaction will always be "this is something more" whenever we feel ill or feel a pain that we haven't felt before. Our bodies have betrayed us once already which has made us vulnerable and aware and to some extent, always looking over our shoulders for that "monster in the closet".

With time, I have learned two very valuable lessons. The first is to stay off the internet!! If I feel something unusual or new, I don't run to google to see every symptom and what that symptom could mean. Once the "idea" is planted it can be very hard to shake. And yes, sometimes too much information can be a bad thing. The second lesson is the "two week rule". If something that is new or unusual is still bothering me after two weeks, then I call the doctor and let the doctor do the diagnosing. There are times certainly as with this headache, that I know the presence of a fever is indicative of a sinus infection for which I will need an antibiotic. Two weeks seems to be the golden rule and I'm happy to follow this. We know our bodies, we have learned (I hope) to trust our bodies to speak to us and let us know when something is serious and when something is "of the norm". Teaching ourselves to let go, to not panic and assume the worst takes time and it is a labour of love.

Lest We Forget

2007-11-11T08:13:00.000-05:00

*image from Canadian Military Museum Corporation

Warrior of the Light

2007-11-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

I called myself a warrior throughout my breast cancer journey. I still call myself a warrior. I used a lot of visualization to help me cope. I called myself David. Cancer was Goliath. We know how that turned out! I needed to see myself as a person of strength, both physically, psychologically and morally. I refused to run away from my cancer and chose to face it head on. I will always be "David".

Last night I was reading Paul Coelho's "Warrior of the Light" which is a charming, insightful manual, written in Portuguese and translated into English. There were many passages in this manual that stood out for me. This is but one:

"The Warrior of the Light concentrates on the small miracles of daily life.

He is capable of seeing what is beautiful because he carries beauty within himself, for the world is a mirror and gives back to each man the reflection of his own face. The Warrior knows his faults and limitations, but he does all he can to maintain his good humor in moments of crisis.

The world is, after all, doing its best to help him, even though everything around him seems to be saying the opposite."

Discover the Warrior of the Light within you.

ReThink For the Cause

2007-11-09T09:19:00.001-05:00

This is the photograph that was taken last Friday at the National Women's Show. It was taken after I had bared my breasts for the "Booby Wall", hence I'm looking rather flustered at having taken off and re-donned my clothing. My hair is a bit limp as well from the heat in the building (and perhaps the heat from the young gentleman!!). It is a rather "revealing" plunging neckline kind of decolletage shot of moi...normally I'm not that "baring" and more conscious of my clothing, but I think all things considered...this is appropriate!!! The young firefighter was certainly a cutie...even if I am old enough to be his mother!!

The idea with this photograph is that every time I (or my friend Evelyne) email this to someone, $1 will be donated to ReThink Breast Cancer by the Schick Corporation.

If you would like to make a contribution to the cause, please email your address (my email address is listed on my profile page) and I will be happy to send this to you.

Every little bit makes a difference.

When the Dark Days Come..

2007-11-08T16:56:00.000-05:00

While it's true that I keep an up-beat, positive attitude about life and all that it hands me, there are times when the darkness descends. I think of today where the rain has been falling, rain mixed with snow, dark skies and typical November weather which can be depressing and I remember the dark days of cancer.

Those are the days when you think you can't get up out of bed to face one more day. When the world seems bigger than you can handle. When your feelings of hope lean towards despair and you feel overwhelmed and overburdened. Those are the days when the tears flow...seemingly over nothing, yet in reality over everything. And the well seems bottomless, with tears that will flow forever.

They don't of course. They slow to a trickle and then dry completely. And you feel depleted and exhausted.

The tears are cleansing. They take away the hurt, the pain and the fear. They eliminate all the toxins...whether the toxins are emotional or as real as the toxic chemicals flooding through our bloodstreams. The tears are restorative.

I always felt stronger and more alive after a dark day. I felt that I had sunk to the depths of my soul where there seemed to be no light, yet faintly, in the distance I'd see a glint of light. And slowly the shadow would fade and the light would begin to flood. And I'd know that I was better prepared to take charge than I had been before. With each plunge to the bottom, like a strong swimmer I would rise to the surface and propel myself further from the shore and know that with each stroke I was closer to reaching the opposite shore.

I cherished those dark times. I still have them from time to time and I still cherish them for what they bring me, for what they offer.

And yes, there are times when the dark days went to stretch into weeks. At which time it is advisable to speak with a doctor, to find out what else can be done. Many women start taking anti-depressants from the day of diagnosis. I did not. I had no need. But three quarters of the way through treatment I wondered if I had the energy to reach that finish line. Like a long distance marathon runner, I could see the finish line but the legs were tired, the muscles spent. At that point I did seek help and I'm glad that I did. We do what we need to do to maintain our spirit so that the good days are outnumbered by the dark days.

*image by eolo perfido photography

The Beauty of Gifts

2007-11-07T09:34:00.000-05:00

I received so many lovely gifts while I was undergoing cancer treatment. There is nothing others can do to make cancer go away, to take this out of our lives, but they do so many other things to make us feel loved, to try and make our difficult challenge easier to bear. I was always the giver, the "doer" and it was such a strange feeling to be on the other side of the exchange..being the receiver. I found it difficult at first to just allow others to be that blessing in my life, but I did it and learned to do so with grace.

The lesson was given to me before I had my first chemotherapy treatment. My bff Barb had gone with me to the hospital salon to try on wigs. It was such a daunting experience and it was made so much easier having someone I trusted and loved with me. Someone whose opinion I value, someone I knew who would help me find what I needed, that made me feel comfortable and confident. And of course she did that with all the love in her heart.

As we browsed through the salon waiting for the manager to assist us, we looked at the hats, the bandanas, the sleep caps and tried to pretend we were just shopping in a regular store, for regular things on a regular day. But there was nothing "regular" about this outing.

Once the perfect wig was chosen and we had selected a hat, some bandanas and a few sleep caps and were at the register to pay, Barb insisted that she wanted to buy the beautiful black hat with the gold and zirconium butterfly pin on it for me. I demurred and said that it was okay, she didn't need to do that. At which point Zane, the manager, gave me the best lesson I had received to this point in the journey. He convinced me to allow Barb to pay for the hat. He reminded me that those who love us want to help and feel so powerless. So if buying a hat that would keep my head warm in the winter months was something Barb "could" do, to allow her to be the blessing in my life at that moment. With tears in my eyes, I hugged her and said "I would love it if you would buy me this hat." I still wear the hat even though I have all my hair..because it reminds me of the special relationship we share, what Barb meant to me especially at that juncture in my life, for the valuable life lesson I learned...that saying "thank you" with grace is a gift to the giver and the givee.

Last week, Anna at The Daily Trend told me that she wanted me to have a bracelet she had made for a breast cancer exhibition. Her creation didn't win and she still had the bracelet but wanted me to have it for all that I have been through. I said a very big thank you...and it arrived the other day...bracelet and earrings to match. Grace and generosity..two beautiful words.

Pay It Forward Goodie Bag Give-Away

2007-11-06T08:17:00.000-05:00

Two posts in one day!! I will be marking my 50th post next week. I'm feeling generous and now that we are finished with "Awareness" Month, I want to keep the spirit of life, the spirit of giving in the forefront.

In honour of the 50th post, I will be giving away a surprise package..some little somethings to one of my readers. I am so in the moment of being a Chemo Angel and loving this experience that I want to share it in other ways. The best part is that it won't be breast cancer themed..it will be a "life" package. Because breast cancer is only one part of life..it is not the only thing.

For those who leave me a comment between now and November 12th, I will choose a winner from the names of those who are interested in participating.

Something a little "fun" to break up my November doldrums!!

The Victoria's Secret Catalog Never Stops Coming

2007-11-06T07:58:00.001-05:00

I read this little book last night, a slim volume of 153 pages. Written by Jennie Nash in 2001, "The Victoria's Secret Catalog Never Stops Coming..and Other Lessons I Learned From Breast Cancer" is a memoir of the notes Jennie made about her breast cancer journey. It is clear evidence that what seems like a small "nothing" in a woman of 35, turns out to be much, much more than that. Jennie trusted her gut instinct, her intuition, and while it seemed at the start that cancer was not to be part of her life, Jennie in fact, saved her own life by listening to that little inner voice.

Many of Jennie's thoughts and lessons mirror my own. I'm sure they mirror many women's. There is so much to learn, so many lessons we are shown on this journey...we only need to change our thinking, change direction and learn to think from our hearts and our souls and not just with our minds.

This sentence above all, captured for me what I believe many of us feel after we have finished treatment and been declared NED (no evidence of disease).

"The thing I'm most afraid of is not having the experience matter--of sinking back into my everyday life. Life so quickly returns to normal."

I worried about this myself. Jennie took the words right out of my mouth! What I know for sure is that it won't happen. The experience does matter, and even though I am sinking back into everyday life, I know too much, I have come too far to ever have it "not matter". Some lessons we learn in this life stay with us for a lifetime. These ones will.

Why Me?

2007-11-05T09:46:00.000-05:00

I would be hard pressed to believe that there is anyone who has been diagnosed with breast cancer who has not uttered those words, "why me?" at some point in the journey.

I spent my time grappling with the why me question. I had been through so much in my life already up to the point when I was diagnosed. I had been emotionally/verbally abused as a child, lived through my parents' divorce, lost a pregnancy at 4 months, suffered another miscarriage, dealt with endometriosis, had my spleen removed because of itp (idiopathic thrombocytopenia...developed after a virus while pregnant with my second child), lost my mother in 1997 and my sister in 2000. In my mind I felt I had had my "share", my quota of bad things happening in life had been met. When I looked at the ledger of my life the "negative" page was full. Or so I thought. Then in 2005 along came breast cancer, rapping at the door saying "you forgot about me...there is still a line waiting for me to fill."

It seemed to me that I had endured more in my short life-time than some people had experienced who were 20 or 30 years older than me. I questioned the "fairness" and the incredible misfortunes that had landed at my feet. So many people would say to me "This shouldn't be happening to you. You've had to deal with so much already." The point is..this shouldn't be happening to anyone but if not me, then who?

But I've learned so much. That there are negatives and positives and when I began to keep a gratitude journal I realized how many more pages the positives took in my ledger. I realized that I am one of the fortunate who find out how short and sweet life is and how to make the most of what I have each and every day. I've learned that there are possibly more negatives to come. That we don't "keep track" and that I may not be "spared" anything further. There is no "quota" on "bad things that can happen". What is important is how we view what happens to us in this life. How we deal with the challenges that are presented to us. How we find the joy in the challenge.

I no longer ask "why me?" because it is a pointless exercise. There is no definitive answer. The only "why me" that matters is the organization of the same name. Y-Me is filled with knowledge, information and support. It cannot answer the question as to why any one of us is diagnosed with breast cancer. The answer for that most likely will come from within.

Hope Is Contagious

2007-11-04T08:41:00.000-05:00

I believe that. Sincerely. So imagine my delight when scanning titles dealing with breast cancer through the on-line library resource section and came across a book of this title!

Written by Margrit Esser Porter in 1997, "Hope Is Contagious..The Breast Cancer Treatment Survival Handbook" is filled with inspirations and suggestions from women who have been through the treatment for breast cancer. Many of these comments are emotions and thoughts I felt myself and it was wonderful to read affirmations, as well as new thoughts that brought a lifting of my spirit even though I am beyond treatment at this point in my own journey.

What gave even greater meaning and depth to these thoughts is the fact that these were shared in 1997 and some of these women had been diagnosed as far back as 1982. I have no idea 25 years later how these women's cancers carried forward, if at all, but the hope they felt, the determination that was present in their comments indicates that strength, courage and a fierceness to fight were as prevalent then as they are today. I do know that Margrit has written a follow up book entitled "Hope Lives! The After Treatment Survival Handbook"

The book deals with positive affirmations throughout diagnosis, surgery, chemotherapy, radiation and reconstruction. Here is one that spoke directly to my heart and my spirit...one that I have felt myself many times and it became my philosophy of life when I was diagnosed in 2005.

"From the first day of diagnosis I had to learn to live with fear and the ambiguity of this disease. The not knowing has been harder than any of the treatments. I finally found a place for the constant uncertainly of breast cancer. I take chances I never took before. I live life one day at a time and savor every moment."
~ Elizabeth, age 35, diagnosed 1995.

Hope. We cling to hope, we define hope in our own way. We look for signs and positive affirmations. And along with hope we must believe. Believe in ourselves, in our medical support team, in the research that is being carried out, in one another and in something "other", whatever that "other" is for you.

Margrit's book begins with this piece taken from Life Magazine, "Earth's Wonders"

"On May 18, 1980, an earthquake triggered the eruption of Mount St. Helen's in Washington State. An area 24 miles square was destroyed, buried under 150 feet of ash, mud and rock. Scientists predicted the region would remain a dead zone for decades to come. Five years later a solitary lupine, blooming at the base of the mountain, proves them wrong. This is perhaps the most extraordinary of all earth's wonders: the ability to regenerate, to move on, to create anew."

Men and Breast Cancer

2007-11-03T10:07:00.000-04:00

While we talk about men's involvement with breast cancer as being one of support, love and comfort to the women in their lives who are affected by breast cancer, it is equally important to remember that men can develop breast cancer as well.

This was brought home to me yesterday at the National Women's Show. While waiting for my turn to take my "booby" photo for the "booby wall", a mother, her daughter and son-in-law stopped to be given the information pamphlet from the young woman trying to create interest in the booth and the project. The young wife was speaking to her husband about participating because he is a man and should support what happens to women. He was reluctant and said that he couldn't see himself ever being affected by this and he didn't think it would happen to anyone he knew. I very gently let him know that breast cancer could in fact happen to him as it does happen to men. Yes, it's a very small percent, less than 1% of breast cancers is the statistic in Canada.

Men (and women as well) forget that they have breast tissue and as long as we have breast tissue we are at risk and a target for breast cancer. My very dearest friend experienced this first hand when her brother-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer over 5 years ago.

Common symptoms for men to watch for are:

- a small painless lump close in the breast
- a small discharge from the nipple.

For further information regarding male breast cancer, please check the following websites:

Canadian Cancer Society
National Cancer Institute
National Breast Cancer Centre

*image from National Breast Cancer Centre

ReThink Breast Cancer

2007-11-02T21:15:00.000-04:00

My friend Evelyne and I attended the National Women's Show at the Metro Convention Centre today. We hadn't been there 5 minutes when we spotted the Rethink Breast Cancer display. Two young women were handing out information about breast cancer and inviting women to participate in the "boobywall". Rethink Breast Cancer is a charity helping young people who are concerned about and affected by breast cancer through innovative breast cancer education, research and support programs. They are thinking differently about how to beat breast cancer. This organization is taking aim at younger women which is timely and important.

The "boobywall" will be launched in January 2008. Women were invited to step into a fancy photo booth to take a picture of their breasts, with or without clothing and add a message if they wished. There will be an opportunity to do this from home as well once the program is launched in January. The "boobywall" is an artistic attempt to raise breast awareness. Evelyne knew that I was going to want to participate and of course I did. After a very long wait, I entered the booth, took off my t-shirt and my bra, picked up the fluffy pink boa and a red cushion. This is anonymous by the way. The photographs are from the neck to the breasts. I would have been just as happy to have my face in the photo...I am not ashamed of my breasts. And of course the photo that I created shows my lumpectomy scar, with the red cushion supporting the breast and the boa as a drape around my shoulders. I am proud to be part of the "boobywall". What did disappoint me was the number of women who only wanted the "free" Schick Quattro razor being given out and were not interested in participating. They shrugged and walked away. And yes, I spoke to all the women who were stopping wondering why I was in line waiting to do this. I reminded them all that 1 in every 8 women is diagnosed with breast cancer. I was elated when 2 young women joined the line behind me.

Once I had taken my photograph I spoke to 2 firefighters who were wearing pink suspenders, standing beside a shocking pink fire truck. They were giving out the razors and if you wished, you could have a photograph taken with them which when mailed to you creates an opportunity for further fundraising. Every time the photograph is sent to someone else, $1 is donated to breast cancer research. Evelyne and I posed together with the cuter of the two!!

Further into the show we came across a woman who sells sports bras for women who have had mastectomies. I spoke with her about needing something for my bra because of the lumpectomy and she showed me some inserts they sell...larger ones and smaller ones in 3 different sizes. She did offer for me to take them to the ladies room to try them on but I felt rushed if I did it that way. Janac Sportswear has stores across Canada and she gave me website information, telling me that all of the women who work for her are well trained and would be able to help me choose the right prosthesis for my bra.

Janet also gave me a bookmark which has this poem imprinted on it.

The Knot

As a knot appears unexpectedly in a thread,
so disappointments and trials block the smoothness of life.

If a few deft strokes can untangle the skein life continues evenly.
But if it cannot be corrected, then it must be quietly woven into the design.

This, the finished piece can still be beautiful, though not as perfect as planned.

Author Unknown

The Changed Shape

2007-11-01T14:19:00.000-04:00

My body looks different than it did two years ago. I had a lumpectomy on my right breast with quite a bit of tissue removed along with the tumour. I then had 30 hits of radiation which made my breast "shrink". I love my right breast. Aside from the fact that it has a long scar on it and it turns a little to the right now, I love it because the surgery and the radiation made it smaller, and perkier. Sadly, my left breast looks more like my left foot!! I jest...it's the same as it ever was. But in comparison to the right breast it is larger, rounder and droopier. I love my left breast too...it helped to nourish my children when they were babies.

I look "funny" in the mirror. I laugh because I look funny. I didn't always laugh. At first I was frustrated, and annoyed and dismayed that I was so lopsided. Early days into treatment and recovery. As much as I found myself "funny" to look at, I was grateful that I was able to look in the mirror at all. I was grateful that surgery was saving and prolonging my life. The scar is a badge and I wear it proudly. The scar is a beauty mark. A beauty mark of life.

Dressing can be a challenge. Today for example. I found a brown jersey top that I loved. I tried it on and "oops", can't wear that one. It made it very evident that the left and the right are on two different courses!! True enough, I could boldly wear the top and think nothing of it. I don't care if other people are looking at me. But would I be comfortable while wearing it..comfortable in myself. Probably not. There are many other designs and styles of clothing I can wear and I will find something else. However, if I really, really, really wanted the brown top...I would have bought it.

Starting with the proper undergarments is the key and I have not done that. I keep promising myself that I will be fitted for a proper bra that takes into account my "lopsided" figure. TLC's "What Not To Wear" covered this in an episode they did with a breast cancer survivor.

We face challenges when our body changes shape. Women complain all the time that their hips are too big, or their waist is too big. They've gained weight or they've lost weight. Their skin is sagging..we all do it at one time or another. We face even bigger challenges when we have lost a part of our body. Women who have had mastectomies face even greater challenges to find clothing that suits, clothing that fits, clothing that feels comfortable and clothing that makes them feel feminine. Reconstruction helps with this but for those women who do not choose reconstruction, the clothing industry is not keeping up with the growing need to address this. I did come across a young woman who is working with designing clothing for this market...but she is looking at younger women. While it is true that younger women are growing in number with breast cancer diagnoses...the larger population of women are over 30.

I know this. Whatever we face, whatever challenge...the most important aspect is how you feel about yourself. How you see yourself in your mind's eye. It is never the clothing itself that matters...it is how you wear it. With confidence, style and a sense of self. Having options helps.

*image from the FashionClub.com

Happy Halloween!!

2007-10-31T08:22:00.000-04:00

And do you know what these are?? Why of course you do..they are "boo bees"...I couldn't resist!!! And this "joke" wouldn't work as well on any other site!!!

If you are looking for some Halloween fun, check out my blog at esprit d'art.

http://espritdart.blogspot.com

Treat yourself like a child today...put on a costume, wear your wig backwards,run up to someone and say "boo" or "trick or treat", indulge yourself in some of your favourite Halloween candy. It comes but once a year!!

What Your Halloween Habits Say About You

You're a friendly person, but not the life of the party. You like making someone else's day - and you'll dress up if you think of a really fun costume.

You definitely think of yourself as someone who has a dark side. And part of having that dark side means not showing it.

Your inner child is creative, patient, and whimsical.

You truly fear the dark side of humanity. You are a true misanthrope.

You're prone to be quite emotional and over dramatic. Deep down, you enjoy being scared out of your mind... even if you don't admit it.

You are unique, expressive, and a trendsetter. Your ideal Halloween costume is over the top and one of a kind.

What's Your Halloween Personality?

SmashBox and the Look Good Feel Better Program

2007-10-30T10:48:00.000-04:00

I was browsing on the Look Good Feel Better site this morning and came across this. With 2 days left in the month of October, now is the time to purchase this blush if you are need of new blush (I am...I am always looking for a product or a colour that will stay on my skin and make me look "flushed" not "blushed", that will give me colour so I lose that washed out look I carry with me). What touches me most is that they are donating to the LGFB Program...a program that instills in women a vision of hope...that we can look good while we are undergoing chemotherapy, that we have beauty within that shines throughout and when we look in the mirror and see ourselves looking "healthy" we feel better. It's more than mind over matter. It is getting to the heart of the matter.

Smashbox Sales Benefit
Look Good Feel Better

Beginning October 1st Smashbox will donate a portion of the proceeds from the sale of its Blushing Pink Fusion Soft Lights and Brush Set to Look Good Feel Better in support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month October 2007.

Accompanying the powder is a limited-edition version of Smashbox’s makeup artist essential Face & Body Brush #19, a versatile beauty tool that allows you to easily apply the Fusion Soft Lights powder. In honour of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, the brush has been specially designed with a shiny pink handle.

Smashbox Cosmetics is available at select Shoppers Drug Mart stores, Sephora and select independent boutiques, nationally across Canada. metics Corporation.

*******

Edit ~ 4:41 p.m. I've just come home from Shopper's Drug Mart..needed to pick up youngest son from after school music and decided I would check out the SmashBox blush. What a rude awakening!! It's in a lovely box...and yes, you get the make-up brush "for free"..I suppose. The cost of this kit? $68.00 Canadian. $68.00 for blush and a brush? And they are making a donation to Look Good Feel Better? I didn't even pick it up to find out how much from the sale of each purchase was going to this cause. I have never and I don't ever see myself doing so..paid $68 for blush and a brush. I don't care how "good" SmashBox is..the price is outrageous. I wouldn't even do it for the fundraising cause because I think it is scandalous.

This falls under the category I have talked about before...think before you pink and consumer beware. A lovely gesture...but not for this price. If I thought I was pale before I went out...you should check my cheeks now...I nearly fainted!!

Travelling for Inspiration

2007-10-29T15:25:00.002-04:00

Over the last few days, I've been reading things in other people's blogs that have captured my attention and my imagination. They are definitely worth sharing because throughout life's journey, we come to cross-roads and challenge points where, if we are wise within ourselves, we do a self-evaluation to see where we are, where we are going and how we hope to get there.

First was this quote from Anais Nin which I found on Becca and Bella...a very lovely blog..the photographs alone are inspirational.

And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage ... Anais Nin

Next stop, is from a blog where the person has asked me to remove her name so she can remain anonymous. This woman was talking about a book she had been given by someone very dear to her, called "Cancer as a Turning Point" by Lawrence LeShan. This womanl discusses in her blog how she and her significant other used this book and the questions to reach a deeper understanding of themselves and I would suspect each other. I haven't read this book but plan to. Describing cancer as a turning point is one of the best descriptors I have heard used yet. I'm grateful that she was talking about this on her blog. One of the best things about breast cancer is the sharing of information and the support we give one another, even when we don't realize we have done so.

The third stop on this journey for inspiration today comes from Larramie at Seize a Daisy. If you haven't visited Larramie at Seize a Daisy, I would highly suggest a visit. Always something enlightening to give a slice of discovery and joy in your day. Today Larramie was talking about a book for girls called The Daring Book for Girls which is chock full of ideas and instructions for things to do, things girls/women should know how to do and even some we didn't know we wanted to do. This is definitely a book for me to grab...it ties in with learning something new, as many new things as possible. Just for the heck of it...and some of these things might actually come in handy!! Where have you been finding inspiration?

Heart Health and Breast Cancer

2007-10-28T10:39:00.000-04:00

This is a timely article about a very real, very serious side effect or complication that can arise from the treatment of breast cancer. It is something that we need always be aware of and it is a good idea if your own cancer specialists have not suggested this, that you speak with your primary care physician and have regular check-ups for your heart..blood pressure, ECG, etc. Because this is a serious complication that can arise with the new treatments we are blessed with, I suspect that most physicians are aware of this and schedule regular follow up testing. I was discussing this with my cardiologist at my last appointment and he concurred that heart problems can develop even years later after treatment, however, the further away from treatment we live, the risk of heart disease decreases. In googling this subject, I came across an article by Catherine Morgan which I think is also very informative. Her website Women 4 Hope is an excellent source of information with regard to women's health issues. As always, it is up to us to be our own best advocates. To know the risks and to not become complacent simply because we have completed one phase of this journey. Hopefully having walked the breast cancer trail we realize and value our health in every facet.

Last Updated: 2007-10-19 14:21:48 -0400 (Reuters Health)

NEW YORK (Reuters Health) - Authors of a report released this week encourage women who survive breast cancer to address all of the modifiable risk factors they have for heart disease, because breast cancer therapy can damage the heart.

Thanks to new and improved therapies, death rates from breast cancer have fallen dramatically in recent years -- by nearly one quarter between 1990 and 2000; yet these improvements may ultimately be diminished by the heart-damaging effects of these live-saving therapies, the researchers warn in the Journal of the American College of Cardiology.

Most breast cancer therapies, including new treatments still being developed, increase a woman's long-term risk of heart disease. "We don't know exactly how large the added risk is, but we believe it's substantial," first author Dr. Lee W. Jones of Duke University in Durham, North Carolina, commented in a written statement.

Chemotherapy may damage the heart in as many as half of patients, diminishing the heart's pumping ability and increasing the risk of heart failure years later. Radiation therapy can cause scarring and tissue damage to the heart and lungs.

Herceptin, often given to women with high-risk genetic profiles, is also toxic to the heart, while experimental therapies that interfere with the growth of blood vessels that feed tumors can cause abnormal blood clotting, high blood pressure and reduced heart function.

Hormone therapies, such as tamoxifen, which reduce estrogen levels for a long time, may also be hard on the heart.

Women and their doctors need to focus not only on the immediate threat posed by breast cancer, but also on long-term cardiovascular health, the authors say. "There are millions of American women living with breast cancer," Dr. Pamela S. Douglas, co-author and chief of cardiology at Duke, said in a written statement. "It's important that they don't squander their second lease on life."

More than 200,000 largely middle-aged and older American women are diagnosed with breast cancer each year. At the time of diagnosis, these women are often already at heightened risk for heart trouble, having age-related risk factors for heart disease, such as high blood pressure. They may also lead a physically inactive lifestyle and be obese, two factors linked to breast cancer and heart disease.

Equally important, many women curb their level of physical activity during breast cancer therapy and gain weight as a result. Maintaining an active lifestyle is an important in women with breast cancer, the authors emphasize.

Exercise is likely to help women feel better during breast cancer treatment, and Jones thinks it might also improve blood flow to the tumor, thereby enhancing delivery of cancer drugs to their intended target.

Jones is currently investigating whether exercise can protect the heart against the damaging effects of chemotherapy, for example, by lowering blood pressure, reducing body weight and strengthening the heart's pumping action.

"If exercise can improve tumor outcomes while protecting the cardiovascular system, that would be a very important finding," the researcher said.

SOURCE: Journal of the American College of Cardiology, October 9, 2007.

What Do We Have To Lose With Chemotherapy

2007-10-27T15:25:00.001-04:00

I've had the following message sent to me numerous times from people who are either on the breast cancer trail with me, or who are finding their own way to be supportive of what I have been through. I like this message. I think attitude is everything and we often have to step back and look at ourselves to see what is important and what is not.

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head.

"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today." So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.

"Hmmm," she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today." So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.

"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail." So she did and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.

"YEAH!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

I didn't mind losing my hair. It isn't something I would have done voluntarily. If I hadn't had breast cancer, I don't think I'd have woken one morning and thought, "hey, I know, I hate fussing with this hair, I think I'll just shave and go bald." I wasn't and have never been that attached to my hair that it crippled me to think about losing it. I have heard of women whose crowning glory is their hair and they didn't want chemotherapy because they didn't want to lose their hair. Is this perspective? I think for most of us, losing our hair through breast cancer is the first "visible", "tangible" sight we have that yes, we do indeed have cancer. And that thought is mind boggling. So the loss of our hair is more tied to the reality of what we are going through as opposed to our vanity taking first place in our perspective.

I rather liked being bald. It grew on me, I found it very freeing and very enjoyable...hop in the shower, soap my head and go. Either it was a bandana day for running errands, or perhaps a wig day but it takes far less time to tie on a bandana, or pull on a wig and run fingers or a comb through the hair...a gentle tug to make sure it's securely in place and away you go.

I liked having a Brazilian with none of the fuss and none of the nasty, itchy in-growing hairs! I had never had a Brazilian wax, nor do I feel compelled to get one now...but I was given a taste of this "for free". I didn't mind not having to shave my legs...I did miss my eyebrows and my eyelashes, but I had fun with that and kept reminding myself that none of it was permanent, it would grow back. What I REALLY didn't mind losing was those nasty, sharp little "old lady" hairs that had started sprouting on my chin over the last few years. I did a little jig when I realized they were gone!! Woo Hoo!!! Put down the tweezers..we get a rest!!

When I was choosing a wig, before the hair went, the volunteer at the hospital who is very good at this, suggested that I would probably want a wig that was as close to my own colour and style as possible. I had gone with the intention of finding something long and curly, or long and straight...something different from my usual style, feeling this was a time I would be able to experiment and have what I didn't normally have. Zane suggested this because he knew I would be losing so much of "me" and that I would be questioning who I was, why I looked as I did and coping with all that breast cancer gives us. He was right. I was so pleased that I opted for a wig that was more me. Those who didn't know that I had lost my hair to breast cancer weren't aware that I was wearing a wig. I can't recall how many times I would be in a store, places that I shop regularly and people would comment on how great my hair was looking. At first I felt a bit of a fraud and then I just played along saying "thanks, I have a great stylist". On the days after I had just washed the wig, I couldn't tell you how many people would say "oh did you just get your hair coloured and styled? It looks great", and again, I'd just go with the flow. I became very good at accepting these compliments as if the hair was real. Well, it was real...it was the only hair I had!!

Everyone told me that my hair would probably grow in curly and a different colour. I've always had fine, stick straight hair so I was eager to see what the new crop would look like. Ugh! No curls...still stick straight, and it took forever for the bangs to grow. My hair grew out more from the sides than it did in length. And curly? I had one chunk of hair at the side that was curly...still is!! It took awhile but my hair is now quite lengthy, I've had 4 or 5 cuts, coloured it and I'm very happy with it. I could have done without the colour it grew in...a dull, dryer lint shade of grey and then it turned darker at the roots. I had no qualms about colouring over that!!

My biggest disappointment was those little old lady hairs...the first hairs to grow back anywhere were THOSE!!! I mean, how fair is that?!? Out came the tweezers...and I'm back to shaving my legs regularly...not going for a Brazilian though. Been there, done that...new experiences to conquer!

Remember..it is hair. It will grow back. And I figured, if I made a mess of the new stuff..I always have that wig waiting in the wings...Losing your hair is not the worst thing you could lose. Ever.

Are We Done Yet?

2007-10-26T18:49:00.001-04:00

I find October to be such a long month now. As a child I couldn't wait until the 31st so we could dress in our costumes and trail up and down the usually rainy streets, knocking on doors and shouting "trick or treat", opening our pillow cases and watching as a handful of something sticky, sweet and yummy was plopped into our hot little hands. October didn't seem like a long month then.

I must say that as much as I promote breast cancer awareness and appreciate the opportunity to remind others that it is important to be breast savvy, to do self-exams every month, to have regular mammograms...I look forward to the end of awareness month so that we can get back to the business of living life.

With all of the runs, walks, fundraising and different charity drives that abound in October, it begins to feel as we near the last few days as if we have been inundated with information. Please don't misunderstand..I love the awareness, I love the attention and the support. I love that we are educating ourselves and one another. I am grateful for the dollars that are generated towards research. We would never have made the strides we have with breast cancer were it not for the month of October.

But it does become tiring. It becomes cancer 24/7. And I worry...if we focus all of our energy, all of our thoughts into one month...does this mean we "forget" about breast cancer for the remainder of the year? Do we need only contain this to one month? We should be aware of our bodies all the time. We should be aware that disease can strike at any time...not just breast cancer. Any cancer. Any disease. Any affliction.

Perhaps I'm just tired this evening. Perhaps I'm just rambling. Perhaps I'm feeling that there is so much more to share about life and about the things that cancer can teach us about life. Perhaps it's time to hang up my "awareness" shingle tonight and just get back to talking about life and how much I love living mine.

Talking Through the Confusion

2007-10-25T15:35:00.000-04:00

Being able to talk about our experiences both good and bad is helpful to us emotionally and psychologically. I've been for professional counselling a few times in my life, when things seemed difficult and more than I could cope with. I wasn't ashamed to go...I felt it was my best option. It's fine to talk with family and friends, it is wonderful to journal and be able to write down the things that are bothering me, I've been part of support groups, both in person and on line and they have given me tremendous feedback and support. But there are times in life when I know I need more. I need to speak with someone who is trained to be able to help. Someone who knows the questions to ask to help make sense of the confusion.

I didn't seek professional counselling while I was undergoing diagnosis, surgery or treatment for my cancer. I had online support, I had group support, I had fantastic medical professionals working with me, I journalled, I talked with friends, I cried on their shoulders, but at no time did I feel the need for a psychologist or counsellor. Which me, being "me" strikes me as very unusual. This is not something I would ever consider or suggest anyone do "alone". It points to me that I must have had the best personal support group I could have had and in looking back I can see that I did.

I bring this up today because I went to see a psychologist this afternoon, to talk. There are some issues from my past that have come back to haunt me and I wanted to speak with this woman because I knew she would point me in the right direction, she would ask me the key questions. And she has. It was lovely to connect again after 4 years and catch up with what has been happening in my life and briefly with her's (brief because we were there afterall to talk about me..when I'm paying like this it DOES get to be ALL ABOUT ME! :) As usual this was a very beneficial hour for me and I'm glad I had the good sense to pick up the phone and make that initial appointment.

I have come too far on the cancer journey to allow things from my past to cloud my clear view. I want no negativity to seep in, I refuse to allow anything harmful to penetrate my soul. I believe that what we repress comes to the surface and until it does, it is extremely toxic and harmful. I spent some gruelling hours killing the cancer cells (and everything else) in my body and I am not willing to dirty or sully this cleansed self of mine. I will see this doctor as many times as needed to clear the haze from my past so that it has no opportunity to sabotage me in the future.

The point I would like to share is this...if you feel the need to talk and have not done so, please reach out. There are support groups that you can find through your doctor or there are psychologists that you can see who are qualified to help. Sometimes you need one session to just "talk". Other times it can be a few sessions before you feel you have conquered fears, worries or issues. And please don't let anything happening in your life become negative or allow it to turn inside you. Be the best you can be for yourself. Offer yourself the best you can. You are worth it. We all are.

Warrior Women

2007-10-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

I came across this poem early in my breast cancer journey. It is something I go back and re-read from time to time. I think it is a perfect piece to accompany the image that is used on the Ford website for their Warriors in Pink campaign. We are women. We are warriors. We have breast cancer. And we will continue to fight until the answer to this disease has been found and shared with the women of this world. Let us pray that it happens in our lifetime.

Warrior Women
~ Author Unknown ~

You join an army of wounded women, who wear pretty clothes that conceal the scars and the pain and who summon brave smiles to camouflage anxiety. We each share a touching, intimate memory of a day that changed our lives forever.

A memory of a morning shower when we touched our breasts and cried. A long last look in the mirror, as we said good-bye. Good-bye to vanity. Good-bye to self pity. We haven't the time. We measure life in moments, and momentum.

We are the meaning of lifelong friends. Bosom buddies gathering strength from one another. We are courageous. We are proud. A circle of women, we span the globe, and we have touched eternity.

There is a word that strikes fear in our hearts--the word is recurrence. We try endlessly to search the reason. We valiantly fight to find the cure. We do so for daughters, granddaughters and for friends and ourselves.

We do so for the women who have gone before us. With each loss we feel tremendous anger. We rage. We taste fear. But with each loss our capacity to love deepens. It grows, it ripens, it blooms.

Each precious moment on this earth is a gift. We will not leave this gift unopened. We will not leave one smile undone. We will not leave one hug forgotten. We will not miss one opportunity to make a difference.

We are Women Warriors. Our casualties are high. The women who have gone before us have lost a battle with breast cancer, but they haven't lost the war.

We honor these women, we feel them, we remember them. We carry them with us, and we made each one a promise. A promise to never again look the other way.

We have breast cancer. We are alive.

Sweet Yesterdays - Breast Cancer Charm

2007-10-23T14:26:00.000-04:00

I showed the breast cancer survivor coined expression from ARTful Dreamer earlier this week. I want to share with you today the breast cancer charms that are being sold at Sweet Yesterdays. Michele is donating a portion of the sale of the charms to the fight against breast cancer. These are the beautiful charms (photograph is from Sweet Yesterdays website). If you are interested, please click on the Sweet Yesterdays link.

There is something deeply touching when women come together for a cause. We have strength, we have courage, we have creativity and we have hope. And we see that beauty never leaves us. It is shown to us in so many ways.

The Hope Fairy

2007-10-23T12:15:00.000-04:00

I was working on my first Chemo Angel project, something to send my new friend that might inspire hope and bring a smile to her face. I created the Hope Fairy. This is what she represents ~

Light pink because it is soft and subtle but representative of breast cancer given that this is October. Wings for the fairy to fly the patient through chemo with as few side effects as possible. The green on the rose for new life and rebirth. The rose for the beauty of life even though it has thorns. The fairy hangs on to the rose for support knowing that there is still beauty in a dark time of life. I found a soft patterned paper for the background, reprinted the fairy and will mail this today with much love and spirit.

Bloggers That Care and Make a Difference

2007-10-22T19:12:00.000-04:00

In my round-up of blogs the other day (blogs that I find through other bloggers who I visit on a regular basis), I came across The Scented Cottage written by Francie, who had posted this:

PINK OCTOBER...
October is Breast Cancer Awareness month...many of us have been affected by this disease losing loved ones and/or friends or watching them bravely battle it. This month along with other members of Make Mine Pink the Scented Cottage will donate a portion of all sales to help fight and find a cure.

If you would like to leave a message with the name or names of women you have known and

loved or that you know who are battling this disease, I will send my donation in with all the names listed in honor of them to the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation.
Thank-you.

My wish for you and me: May we find a cure soon and may those we know and love never go through this battle.

Posted by Francie of The Scented Cottage

I was simply amazed and deeply touched that these women would do this. The following bloggers are also taking part in this initiative (there may be more but these are some I found on Francie's blog. Others will be listed on the Make Mine Pink blog). I strongly urge you to drop in to their blogs and say thank you, to let them know how much this means to those of us who are affected by this disease.

Once again I am reminded that women are strong as individuals. When we are grouped together for a single cause? We are impenetrable.

Thank you ladies, from the bottom of my heart!

Angel Heart Designs
Beloved Creations
Make Mine Pink
Janet's Creative Pillows
Mama's Pocketbook
Hydrangea Home
Sweet Necessi-Teas

Undressing the Moon

2007-10-21T23:53:00.001-04:00

I just finished Tammy Greenwood's "Undressing the Moon". This is a novel that is about a woman with breast cancer, about her life and about her past as a young girl who experiences life shattering events at the age of 14. This is not a book I would recommend to a breast cancer survivor in that it is not a book about hope. It offers insight but the book is not as much about having breast cancer as it is about breakage and wreckage. Breast cancer is about breakage and wreckage in its own way, but I did not find this an uplifting story. It wasn't meant to be.

What did speak to me, and what I felt was worth sharing with other cancer survivors and with others who have suffered loss of any kind, or wreckage in their own lives was this particular paragraph ~ this speaks of hope and inspiration.

"My mother taught me how to find grace in wreckage. She taught me not how to reassemble, but how to rearrange. The stained-glass pictures she made were certain evidence that things can be broken and put back together, and that the mended thing will be more beautiful than the original. That true beauty is in the cracks, in the places where the pieces have once been shattered and then mended."

Is that not a true reflection of what having breast cancer and moving on is all about? We are broken, we are shattered. We are mended and put back together. We are not reassembled...we are rearranged. And we are more beautiful, our true beauty does lie in these cracks because of what we have been through.

Art and Breast Cancer

2007-10-21T08:16:00.000-04:00

I want to share this lovely work of art. I discovered this beautiful creation by Jen at ARTful Dreamer's Paper Garden. Jen is selling these so please, if you are interested check out her website and information about the cost.

Breast cancer is an experience that can make us very creative. Whether it is that we write about the experience or we find our expression through a paint brush, charcoal, paper or any other medium. We have seen with new eyes and we feel compelled to share that vision.

I am even more touched when someone who has not had breast cancer has been moved by the disease, whether through a family member or friend who has had bc or simply because the disease has captured their attention in a very strong and meaningful way.

I discovered this quote over a year ago when reading a book about interior design. It practically jumped off the page at me ~ "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes."
Marcel Proust

Are you creating? Are you re-telling the breast cancer story..the story of your life? The story of who you are now? The story of what life is really all about? Some of the mystery that has been shown to you?

Chemo Angels

2007-10-20T19:37:00.000-04:00

I came home from Liam's hockey game tonight and checked my email...before preparing dinner!! I was doing the happy dance with the first message, and I can't tell you how excited I am...I am finally going to be a chemo angel!!

I didn't know this organization existed when I was having my own chemotherapy, but heard about it months after I had finished. I looked on the internet, read about the organization and immediately signed up to be a card angel months ago. I filled out all the particulars and did specify that I would like to angel someone in Canada. It does take time...they like to match you with someone similar in cancer, similar in diagnosis and of course they must wait to have someone request an angel. I hadn't given up hope and funny enough, I was thinking about this the other day. So I am over the moon that I can now start sending off little smiles of sunshine to brighten the day of a chemo patient and her family. I like that this is an anonymous approach. Yes, I know her name and many of her particulars so that I can prepare my cards and packages according to her tastes and interests. But she will know very little about me, other than that I am "Angel Sherry"...so it's like random acts of kindness which I absolutely love. It's all about giving back. About giving hope and joy. About bringing smiles to the faces of those who are going through a difficult time.

If you are interested in this wonderful organization, whether to participate as an angel, or you or someone you know would like to be visited by the angels, please visit the Chemo Angels website.

Why Am I So Tired All The Time?

2007-10-19T10:09:00.001-04:00

This was something I can recall saying to myself a lot during my treatment. Post treatment, when I expected that I would be feeling an increase in my energy level, I found myself still questioning why I was so tired all the time. I looked to myself, thinking that perhaps I was doing too much, or I wasn't getting enough proper rest, that my sleep wasn't restful enough. True, I'm sure some or all of those factors had some connection to the fatigue, but this fatigue is bone deep. You feel like a zombie...you are walking you are talking but there is a large part of you that is not connected to anything concrete. The battery is definitely running on a low voltage. It is a mind numbing fatigue that permeates your brain...you become forgetful, you become restless, you read the same sentence two or three times in order to comprehend what you are reading. Someone may be speaking to you and you hear something completely different from what has been said. This fatigue is different than "chemo brain". This fatigue is a "shut down the system" type of fatigue where your limbs feel like lead and your body feels like it is struggling to carry out normal function.

Fatigue during and post treatment is a pervasive, sneaky type of fatigue. You are feeling "fine", you feel well, you feel ready to resume many of the normal day-to-day functions. You've had surgery and your body is healing, your senses are returning to "normal" and you feel that you are back to the "you" pre-surgery. Yes you are and no you aren't. I'm always talking about mind/body/spirit connection and until all three are in sync, it's my belief that your body is going to repeat the message until you get it..."we're not ready yet..." and the fatigue is one sure way to grab your attention. I was reading KT's blog today and this was the subject she was discussing. Her post-surgery fatigue and how it is affecting her. It's real. I become quite enraged when people who have not been on the breast cancer boulevard or have not been through a traumatic experience dismiss this fatigue as "all in the head"...if only that was the case.

For many people who go through these types of experiences, the period post treatment and surgery can be even worse. There is fatigue during the process because of the effects of the drugs in the system, because of the physical toll it takes on the body. But we so often neglect our emotional and psychological needs. When we are faced with a crisis or trauma, our bodies go into over-drive from the stress. We repress, we hold back on some of these emotions because we need to be able to deal with the situation and cope as best we can ... for our families, for our friends, for ourselves. We spend time trying to keep life as normal as possible, especially if we have children. We want to maintain the family lifestyle so we attend sporting events, chauffeur children to their programs and classes, we continue to maintain the household, but there is a cost when we do this and we are not 100% with our health. It is once we have passed the danger point and are re-entering the regular cycle of life that it hits us like a brick wall..."what have I just been through?" at which point...our body says "empty".

We've done the necessary work to repair and rectify the damage to our physical body. After this comes the healing to the psyche and the soul. The spirit needs to be tended and nurtured. The fatigue is nature's way of saying "this is a little tlc for the soul".

The fatigue may linger for months, even years. I'm sure there are survivors who still feel the need to sleep at different times in the day, or when the fatigue seems to be continuous. I found talking to my doctors helpful. I found being able to speak with others in this situation helpful. Recognizing and realizing that you are not alone with some of the later effects from treatment is not only bonding and affirming, it justifies what we have been through. We each heal at a different rate and no two cases are ever exactly alike.

What can you do to alleviate the fatigue? A regular nap every day, even a short one. Exercise. Exercise is a tough one...the body isn't as willing to co-operate but even a walk around the block, parking a little further from the entrance to the store and walking a few extra feet, taking stairs instead of an escalator or elevator if you are going one floor...little by little you help to re-charge those batteries.

What have I learned from this journey? Be kind to the self. Listen to the body...it will always tell you what it needs...and there is nothing at all wrong with catching a quick nap during the day. The Europeans have the right idea with a little down time in the afternoon. It's amazing how well you feel after even a 15 minute power nap. We've been "re-born" after cancer treatment. We are like newborn babes. And what is it that newborn babes do so well?

"Naptime" by Terri Windling

Breastless In The City

2007-10-18T15:59:00.000-04:00

Breastless in the City

Click on the above link to see Cathy Bueti's interview on Daryn Kagan ~ definitely worth a peek!!

I reviewed Cathy's book, "Breastless in the City" in an earlier post.

Moving On

2007-10-17T22:46:00.000-04:00

I found this poem when I was just beginning Herceptin treatment after radiation, some time in August 2006. It expresses so well how it feels to know you are ready to move beyond, to reclaim and re-chart the journey through life. It's knowing that the goals are still there, some new goals, some old goals taken from the treasure box, polished and shined.

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Moving On

I am moving on
reaching toward my hopes and dreams
It has taken me far too long
to reach this place, it seems

My fears may try to hold me back
To try and block my way
But with courage and faith in my heart
I will get there come what may

The road will be a long one,
And it may be rocky, too
But when I reach this place in time,
My dreams could all shine through

I am coming nearer to my goals
And my excitement grows
The plans I have made will soon be real
Along with the destiny I chose

Though I have been tossed and turned in life's storms
I will surely see a brighter dawn
I'm no longer held back by my fears
I'm finally....Moving On

~ Alan Murray ~

Beam Me Up Scotty

2007-10-17T08:22:00.000-04:00

Radiation. "Rads" as we in the trenches call it. Not every breast cancer requires radiation therapy. Mine did because I had lymph node involvement (1 of the 27 taken out). 6 weeks, 5 days a week, 30 "hits" in all. Roasted, toasted and "electrified". The things we do to our bodies in a bid to stay alive.

Chemotherapy was no picnic, but I had less of an emotional response to chemo than I did to radiation. At the time I was diagnosed and my treatment plan was being organized, the word radiation didn't bother me. It didn't frighten me and I thought at the time that it would be the easier of the two treatments. Didn't turn out that way.

There was something about radiation that scared the pants off me. It put me into "freak out" mode. I went for the mapping session (a doctor who is a physicist is responsible for this procedure) where there is a great deal of marking, measuring, equating...all done so that this ray of "life", this "beam" can be directed to the exact spot on the breast every single time you come in for a session. You are tattooed with tiny little blue dots (mine were blue, others may have different colours) and these marks are permanent. I can find them now because I know where they are. No one else would see them or notice them..they blend in with the freckles and other "markings" on my body. This visit at Princess Margaret Hospital went off without a hitch. I found it interesting and informative. Sadly, I wasn't even embarrassed or modest about 3 men and 2 women moving and manipulating my breast, working over me as if I wasn't a woman at all. You begin to forget the "woman" and the "feminine" and see yourself as an object. At this point in the parade...it is okay to see yourself as an object. It helps to get through the process.

I clearly remember my first day of radiation. It was a cold February day in 2006. And my appointment wasn't until 5:00 p.m. There I was getting off the commuter train in downtown Toronto...while everyone else was running past me to head home at the end of their work day. However, prior to that I had the meltdown of all meltdowns. I didn't want to go. I didn't want to leave the house. I didn't want to have radiation. Why? This was a "no brainer". I'd get on the table (after donning yet another shapeless blue gown), lie still and be "zapped" for 5 minutes, if that. What was the meltdown? Fear. Fear of being treated in a cancer hospital. The surroundings we are in for our treatment play a huge role in our psychological experience.

All of my chemotherapy was done at the local hospital where I was born, where I had my tonsils out, had my splenectomy, had my lumpectomy and my axillary dissection. It was a hospital that dealt with broken bones and fractures, sick children, hip replacements, and babies. As well as cancer. There was other life happening in the hospital. In Toronto there are only two centres that were doing radiation. Sunnybrook and Princess Margaret. Both excellent facilities. Princess Margaret however deals only with cancer.

With chemo, I had one treatment every 3 weeks. That gave me time to be at home, carry on with some of my regular life outside of the medical merry-go-round and not think about cancer for the other 20 days. With rads I was hit with cancer every single day...seeing people who were far more serious in diagnosis than I was, who had different kinds of cancers. It was cancer 24/7. Knowing that I was going in to that created a meltdown. Having to realize and actualize that I had cancer. I very nearly bailed on the first appointment and the nurses were watching me to see if I would bolt! I had had the sense to accept the offer of my bff Barb who offered to come and be with me for that first treatment. She had worked a full day to 5:00 p.m., walked up to the hospital and waited with me. The machines were down (which happens often with radiation) so my 5:00 p.m. zap didn't happen until after 7:00 p.m. We'd had no dinner, grabbed a muffin and coffee at the train station and weren't home until after 9 p.m. You have to love a friend like a sister who is willing to do that for you. And I do. Believe me.

The rest of the sessions were fine. I have to admit, I didn't even like meeting with the oncologist or the nurse at the intake or once each week. Radiation truly was the worst part of the experience for me. It brought all my emotions to the forefront. And in some ways that was a good thing. The emotions have to be dealt with in order to heal.

I participated in a clinical trial study that randomized me to the group that had radiation to the breast and the underarm. I did the trial because I felt it was necessary to give back, to help with the education and learning needed as we move forward...for those coming along the road behind me. And in giving thanks for all those who walked the road ahead of me and participated in these kinds of trials so that the drugs I was given were available to me. There were benefits to me as well..having radiation to the underarm might also prove to be a good thing for me. The only "negative" is the increased possibility of lymphedema (a subject I will discuss at a future point). I don't live with the "what if". I live with the "this is" attitude.

Radiation was something I was able to do..I overcame the fear and the dread. I participated in a few other studies at the hospital and came to embrace the experience. The technicians were wonderful as were the doctor and the nurses. I visualized a lot while on that table...with every "zzzzz" that went into me, I pictured canons going off, blasting any stray cancer cells to smithereens. I listened to them play Pachelbel's Canon in D and tried to relax to the strains of the violins. One day they made a "mistake" they told me and had the cassette playing the 1812 Overture. I told them that was no mistake at all. If anything I felt like I had an even bigger army on my side and when my visual canons exploded they did so with panache!

I burned on the front, I burned on the back (those rays go directly through bone, muscle, tissue..powerful, powerful stuff!) but my skin held up. I came through it with little difficulty or discomfort. I was blessed. I was fatigued beyond anything I had ever imagined. Daily trips downtown for sessions, added with emotional/psychological fatigue can be debilitating for some. The fatigue is very real and can last for quite a long time. You don't just "get over" it. Sometimes fear is a good thing. It pushes you to the limits of what you can do. It gave me a better appreciation for Princess Margaret Hospital. I stopped seeing it as a cancer centre and a place of "death and dying" and saw it instead as a building housing hope and love. And it is the difficult things we have to do that give us the greatest reward. I'm off tomorrow for my follow up appointment with the lovely Dr. Lee Manchul (she really is a people person as much as a physician) and my clinical trial nurse Pat who makes me feel "human" and alive. Always something to give thanks for.

An Award

2007-10-16T16:28:00.000-04:00

I'm flattered and honoured today to discover that my fellow breast cancer sister Jen at Jenster's Musings has awarded me with this Courageous Blogger Award. It is my first award since I began blogging in August and I am deeply touched that she chose me as one of the recipients.

Breast cancer makes us realize so many things that we didn't know about ourselves. It brings out the best and the worst in us but I think it brings out more of the best. It takes us to heights we didn't know we could reach, it teaches us that every day is a gift, to take nothing for granted and courage to appreciate life with all it's bumps, warts and pot holes. It's wonderful to be alive and feel every bump and thwack and realize "hey world, I'm still here!"

Thank you Jen, from the bottom of my heart!

Passionately Pink

2007-10-16T13:13:00.000-04:00

Karen at Discussing Breast Cancer posted today about yahoo's contribution, through flickr, to the Susan G. Komen Foundation in the United States. There are some wonderful photographs and the 50,000 photographs they were looking for has been greatly exceeded. Little surprise. People certainly get behind the cause when asked.

I did take a photograph (above) and tried to add it to the pool after joining the group but finally gave up in frustration. I'm not "techie", I'm self-taught and even though I read the instructions (more than 5 times!!) I still couldn't get the hang of this. I'll put that down to extreme fatigue today, which has resulted in a lack of patience!

All is not lost! I can share the photograph I took which I call "Hope For An End To Breast Cancer" and I can share the link to the over 53,000 photographs on the flickr site.

Just For Fun! A Halloween Party

2007-10-16T11:42:00.000-04:00

Blog Action Day ~ The Environment and Us

2007-10-15T09:47:00.000-04:00

Today is Blog Action Day. A day when we are meant to talk about the environment, a day when we should be thinking about what we are, where we are, what we have done and what we can do. My youngest son is very committed to saving the planet. He is very eco conscious and reminds us all the time of ways to change, what we should be doing to work together to keep this earth safe, to protect what we have. We've had the strangest weather in southern Ontario for the last few weeks (I think this has been true most everywhere in North America), with temperatures being higher than normal. The trees are still changing as they should be given the time of year but you notice that it has produced confusion for the squirrels, the gnats and other bug life. The change of temperature has affected their systems as well. If I heard it once, I heard it a dozen times from Liam, his complaints about global warming. Both of my sons think Al Gore is brilliant and are supportive of what he has had to say on the subject. Both Evan and Liam have watched "An Inconvenient Truth" and were moved by the content. And the truth.

So you might be asking yourself, "what does the environment, what does global warming have to do with breast cancer?" Probably a great deal. I'm of the opinion that there is something we have done to the environment, something we have re-created in the air, in the world, that is affecting our bodies. There are certainly indicators that can contribute to the development of breast cancer. Yet so many women do not fit the criteria. Women are generally more health conscious than men. We take care of our bodies, our selves, our spirits. We nurture and we tend to ourselves. We tend to eat right, to exercise, we practice moderation, we may have no genetic background or link to breast cancer. And yet we developed the disease. Is it just because we have 2 breasts? That's a start. But it goes deeper. We've eaten food that has been tainted with hormone injections or grown with pesticides to promote growth without disease. We breathe tainted, polluted air. We are exposed to mass amounts of radiation from office equipment, medical technology. How much of this has contributed to our situations?

Breast cancer has been around for centuries. What concerns me is the rise in the number of cases of breast cancer over the years. The growing number of much younger women who are being diagnosed with the disease. Is that because we are more aware, take better care of our health medically with tests and take ourselves to a doctor sooner when we notice something is "not right"? To a degree that is true. I cannot help but think, however, that there is much more involved in this genetic change and mutation. We need to make better choices (if we aren't already) about how we live and what we can do personally and together to make a difference. For ourselves and future generations.

Moving Forward

2007-10-14T14:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday on my blog "Sage and Thyme" I was talking about being a goddess. Mostly it started out in fun and humour but the more I was writing, the more I realized that I am a goddess and it is perfectly "okay" to say so, not just to myself but to the world...if I want to. Years ago, I might have flirted with the thought that I was "hot" or "great" or pretty special, but I would never have had the nerve or the guts to say that out loud. I'm not even sure that I would have really believed I was any of those things. Now I'm quite happy to say what I think, be who I am and advertise what I've got going. Did this all come about just because of age, maturity, wisdom? Maybe some of it did. Most of this new attitude came from cancer.

There are those who have found nothing good in cancer. Nothing positive, nothing to be grateful for. I'm not one of those people. Of course I rue the fact that my body turned on me and my cells decided to change. Of course I am saddened that my body bears more scars. I don't like that there are times when if I let it happen, fear could overtake me and paralyze me. I'm one of those people who decided to find the good things in this experience. I chose to cognitively approach this challenge and find the way to manage it for me, to make it only something that has happened to me among all the many things that have happened to me in this life. And I've promised myself that I will find the richness and the joy that exists in every day. Does this make me a Pollyanna? I'm sure there are some survivors who would say yes to that. I think it adds dimension to my life and I'd rather have this outlook than be bitter, angry and disgruntled. I've never been one for self-pity. And it's one lonely kind of party.

One of the best things I did as I was nearing the end of my two year treatment was to speak to my family doctor about my concerns with regard to moving forward. Once treatment stops and I'm getting back into the mainstream of life, how do I make that adjustment? That was my concern at the time. She didn't have the answers but she gave me an rx that I still have and refer to often.

The first part of the rx was to do one new thing every year. Something I've thought I'd like to do but have never taken the risk or the chance to meet the challenge. The doctor suggested something physical but anything would suffice.

The second part of the rx was to do 7 things each year that are just for me. That could be going to the Art Gallery and browsing, checking into a B&B in a nearby town to just luxuriate in my surroundings, it could be checking into a hotel in my own city and acting like a tourist for a day. It could be making a regular appointment for a mani/pedi or a massage. You get the idea. It can be anything you want it to be. Once you start...it's amazing how quickly the 7 things become 14, or 21 and so on.

I've embraced these ideas (this is where the idea of Friday being "me" day sprouted) and it has made such a difference in my outlook about life. It's taken me to the place I didn't know I had within me and the joy of discovering every day something new about myself and the world around me.

I Support the Cause..

2007-10-13T13:34:00.000-04:00

I have been known to be an impulse shopper (aren't we all guilty of this at some time or other?). Today was no exception. Out and about picking up groceries (for the week or a few days, depending on how hungry 16 year old son is ~ or how often he brings friends home!) and was hit from the Boy Scouts/Cubs with their apple day sales. I never turn them down and love to purchase a tiny apple ... this is a great organization and gives young boys a sense of responsibility, group/team work and broadens their lives. Never mind that I was "hit on" (which really doesn't happen much in my life anymore...I'm happy wherever I can get it!!) at every stop I made. I had my little supporter tag which I proudly waved at all the others.

Then there was Avon. As I left the last grocery store there was an older woman with her Avon display set up in the alcove as you leave the store. She had a glut of the key chains on the table, and one lone tulip tea light candle holder. Everything was $5 and no tax she proudly told me. What sold me on buying the candle holder was when she said "and do you know that all the money from the sale of these is going directly to research?" You know I had to buy it. She said the magic words.

I'm not one for displaying a lot of breast cancer related items. I've spoken out with regard to the kitchen appliances in pink, but this is rather cute and will be nice in my bedroom. It comes complete with a little pink tea light or a tea light that operates on a battery. It's so cute!! I was happy enough to drop a few dollars for a teeny, tiny apple. I was more than happy to drop another $5 for the cause. It may have been an impulse. But it was a worthwhile impulse.

Angels of Hope

2007-10-12T19:42:00.001-04:00

What is an angel? For me an angel is a symbol of hope, of inspiration. A guardian and a guiding light through good times and bad. There are angels here on earth, we call them friends. Angels come in different shapes and sizes ~ you can picture an angel any way you choose. Hopefully you recognize your's when you see them. May angels be with you, walk softly with you and hold you in times of need.

How To Talk To A Friend With Cancer

2007-10-12T17:53:00.000-04:00

There always arises a point in time during cancer treatment where the person with cancer wonders, "do people really want to know how I'm feeling, what I'm going through?" and where those who do not have cancer want to ask questions but aren't sure how, or don't wish to upset the cancer survivor by asking questions. It's a grey area and it's one that everyone who has been touched by this disease has had to deal with.

Like many others, I am open about this disease. I am open to sharing my journey in the desire that it will provide inspiration and hope to others who are, or may find themselves part of this sisterhood and on this journey. I save most of the very intimate details for those in my close inner circle, but I am open to talking about it in any way that the other person is comfortable. Having breast cancer is part of who I am, it is part of my life, but it is not all encompassing. There are still so many other facets to my life and my personality.

When others are uncomfortable or unsure what to say, but want to say something, they often rely on cliches. Does this mean that the person is insensitive? I don't think so. I think it comes down to a lack of knowing what the protocol is (if there is such a thing). Many others are uncomfortable with the topic of cancer, they fear the disease, they fear their own death and have not come to terms with the concept that we will all leave this earth at some point. It has been my experience that you rarely hear from those people. It's not that they've stopped caring about the other person. It's more that they are incapable of accepting the reality and choose to pretend the situation doesn't exist.

TIME has put together an excellent series about breast cancer. The topic of "How To Talk To A Friend With Breast Cancer" is only one of many well reported, informative articles.

The best advice from my own experience is to be yourself. Relax and "hear" the signals the other person is giving you. Speak from the heart, say what you mean, take the time to really listen and learn from what the other person is going through. These are life lessons and no better person to learn life lessons from than a friend.

Accept the Best, Settle for No Less

2007-10-11T15:57:00.000-04:00

When it comes to the medical team you surround yourself with, whether it is for your breast cancer care, or overall general health care, it is imperative to your well being, emotional, spiritual healing and outlook that you seek only the best. I'm not talking about the doctor who finished first in the class, or the nurse who operates on the level of perfection with everything he/she does, running a tight ship in the ward or office. I'm talking about the best person for you. The person who understands you, who has taken the time to "hear" what you are saying, the person who is on your team and is willing to fight for you, fight for what you need and want. The one who says "I'm here for you, to work with you". There are a great many doctors, nurses, technicians who have lost that objective. They have a "job" to do and they will do it and do it well (one hopes). But does this mean that they will always have your best interests at heart? You have to ask the questions, do the homework and know how you feel, in your soul, what your instincts tell you about this person. And you have to trust those instincts. The surgeon or the oncologist you have been referred to may be the top person in that field, recommended by hundreds. That is definitely something to take under consideration. Do they have people skills? Do they see you or do they see a pathology report, numbers on charts, another body in a long line of bodies, are they dealing with the scientific aspect of your life only? I'm not for one minute saying that doctors have the time to listen to us for hours, to be able to get to know us on a personal level. That would be impossible and foolish to expect. The sad fact is, there are so many people requiring health care, and the number of people requiring cancer care is staggering.

It takes but a few minutes to make eye contact. It takes but a few minutes to smile, to hold a hand, to offer comfort when offering bad news. You can sense very quickly if this person is "right" for you. Always remember that you are a person, you are still "you" which is even more important when you are diagnosed with cancer (or any other life threatening disease/illness). You still deserve respect, kindness, compassion and understanding. If you are told something by a doctor (or any other health care provider) and you do not understand what they are telling you, please do not hesitate to ask for clarification. This person may be the "expert" and speak in technical terminology, but this is about you. If you don't feel that the person being "interviewed" for your team is the right "fit", do not hesitate to ask for a second opinion, to find another doctor with whom you feel more comfortable. The decisions that you will be called upon to make, the overwhelming information you will be receiving is daunting. Wouldn't you rather have someone that you trust, someone that you feel is a member of "team you" helping you with that? Looking at your treatment and recovery, to moving forward through cancer and beyond becomes your life project. It is all about your life. Which means that you become the President and CEO of "you", you become your own advocate for everything that is in your best interest and you have the right to choose the team that works with you. You deserve the best. Please never settle for less.

My Album of Hope

2007-10-09T22:53:00.000-04:00